The Bad Side of Desire
by Wolfbaneshybrid
Summary: Lucied’s been swiping attention and the other Guardians want it back, which can only mean one thing: payback Filgaia style! An epic tale of revenge, love, ego, and purple wolves. I have found a flaw in this story... The flaw being that there is no story.
1. Moor Gault Organizes

Disclaimer: I do not own Wild Arms 3—I think Media Vision and Sony do. If I did, I would make an entire mini-series explaining why Lucied's gender and the spelling of people's names keep changing randomly.

* * *

Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away… 

In a land where they have achieved the ability to successfully create androids yet have no indoor plumbing, there live gods by the names of 'Guardians'. Each holds its own element (well, not literally _held _as more of _belonged_ to an element) and its own form.

Wind, Water, Earth, and Fire. Next were Time, Light, Darkness, and Luck. Then were Courage, Hope, Love, and—last but certainly not least—Desire.

On Filgaia, where the Guardians sustain the planet and favorites are always placed, our story begins:

"Anyone know where I am?" His fierce yellow eyes darted back and forth looking for some sort of sign before moving upwards to see white letters slowly spell out the name of the town. "Jolly Roger… guess this place is as good as any." 

He moved his way onward, stumbling awkwardly on clawed feet. A few lowly villagers had wondered outside to stare gapingly at the giant ball of immortal flame walking down the dusty road.

"Jolly Roger… kind of sounds like Jolly Rancher, doesn't it?" He mused aloud. The people looked up, still agape, in terror. Maybe it wasn't best to have started by telling people he thought they were edible and sweet.

"My apologies. I—," Dramatic pause, "Am Moor Gault, Guardian of the Crimson Flame. From the smallest ember to the biggest roaring fire." Moor Gault moved a giant wing in an elegant bow.

The people still stood, agape, frozen in terror.

"Uhh, I'm Moor Gault. Amazing Beast of Inferno?"

No one moved, as they were frozen in terror.

"I'm with the guy in a big red cape."

A murmur went through the crowd.

"S… Superman?"

"No, no, no! The other one! Glasses, big yellow shoes, looks a little like you could take a lawnmower to his head."

Another murmur moved about and some people shifted uncomfortably.

"You mean Clive?" Someone chanced to ask.

"Yeah! That's the guy! And I was just—Hey!" Moor Gault moved his head with a jerk to the side to narrowly avoid a flying furry white object. "Are you throwing _cats_ at me?!" Another cat-a-pult flew passed the Fire Guardian's head. "_Why _are you throwing cats at me?"

"Because the only people who ever bought items from us for their Sandcraft are now wanted, so we don't have enough money for ammunition!" Dennis explained as he picked up yet another cat with a 'MEOOOOW.'

"Yes, but why are you throwing cats at _me?!_"

"Because you're new and change scares me!" Dennis shouted, the cat in his hands hissing with several more wandering around nonchalantly. Although they had a shortage of ammunition, they had a never-ending surplus of cats. Which actually turned out better in the long run—you can't eat ammunition.

"That's ridiculous!" Moor Gault said, deflecting another cat. "Geez… NPCs… You could write they're names down on paper and no one would recognize them anyway… I am a _Guardian_. I do not take full responsibility for the actions of my crew." He said in his defense.

Somewhere in the universe, a Captain Kirk shook his head.

"Anyway," Moor Gault quickly continued when it seemed that the cats population had begun to dwindle (don't give your hopes up, folks. The cats _never _dwindle). "I way just looking for a meeting area that could hold a few friends and me so that we could discuss—" Shifty eyes, "—certain _matters_… Matters of **Revenge**!!!"

Sterling stepped forward. "I'm going to ignore that last part completely, seeing as how it would reveal further plot line that the summary hasn't already uprooted, and tell you where to go."

She took a deep breath before continuing.

"There is a place that is located somewhere to the North-Southern-East of here on a peninsula that was once called the Blue Palace."

Moor Gault looked at her desperately. "That doesn't help! At least every island is a peninsula! What's the Blue Palace? Why is it there? Why is the word coated in green? Is there anything else you know?"

She took a deep breath before continuing.

"There is a place that is located somewhere to the North-Southern-East of here on a peninsula that was once called the Blue Palace."

Moor Gault shook his head, making embers tumble to the ground as his great mane shook wearily. "I take it that's all you can say."

She took a deep breath before continuing.

"There is a place that is located somewhere to the North-Southern-East of here on a peninsula that was once called the Blue Palace."

"Ack! You can stop now! OK," It was Moor Gault's turn to take a deep breath before continuing. "Onto the Blue Palace on some peninsula to the North-Southern-East."

* * *

Three days and twenty-three visits to Gamefaqs later, the Fire Lord had made it to the peninsula and was in the basement of the Blue Palace listening to the murmurs of the other Guardians. 

Everyone was here: Schturdark, Fengalon, Grudiev, Dan Dairam, Celesdue, Chapapanga, Justine, Zephyr, Raftina, Star Roe—everyone except a certain purple hermaphrodite wolf.

It was time to make a stand.

"Friends and… Well, we're not really friends… So let's get this on with." Moor Gault cleared his throat. "We have not appeared in many story plot lines over the past few months and I believe that we must take a stand for the good! And the just! And the righteous! … Now, does anyone know how we can horribly destroy all of Lucied's dignity in a horrific and ghastly way?" He looked for hands, or flippers, or claws, or wings.

A timid white paw was raised half-heartedly in the air.

"Yes, Fengalon?"

"Well, urm," Fengalon scratched the back of his scruffy neck. "We could, umm, eat…it…?"

"That's your answer to everything, Fengalon. Yes, you back there who looks remotely human."

Raftina rose and Fengalon lay back down. "We could gouge out it's eyes so that it walked off a cliff then skin it alive and sell the fur to a local trader before going back and pouring salt water—courtesy of Schturdark, of course—on the fresh pink and red flesh and watching it die slowly and painfully with the setting sun."

"Raftina!" Moor Gault started. "You're the Guardian of _Love_!"

The Guardian of 'Love' sneered and sat back down cross-legged. "Yeah, well, you'd be surprised what you would begin thinking if you were stuck with the chatterbox all day with only a Godzilla-wannabe, a midget Gundam, and a sword." She muttered bitterly.

"Well," The Fire Guardian muttered. "This has been a very anti-productive day. We were _supposed _to get the plot started on revenge on Lucied after stealing all our glory. So far, we've learned that eating and sadism are definitely _not _options. But, there are still eight more to hear from…" He looked into the crowd in the ruins whose attention spans were already dwindling to negative zero (just like the readers!) when a sudden thought hit his head.

"I wonder how much weight this place can hold…?" Moor Gault asked himself.

* * *

"Hey." Virginia stopped in her tracks and started to probe her pocket with a single white glove. "Where did my medians go?" 

Clive and Gallows followed suit and both gave quizzical looks after finding the same result.

"Who cares," Jet, ever the voice of reason, spoke out, "We never use them anyway. Now let's get out of this story before people start noticing how much attention _I've_ been getting."


	2. Lucied Reads 'Desires'

Disclaimer: I still do not own Wild Arms 3. To Teefa and Co, Black Waltz 0, Hypes, and Luna-Starr: Those were the nicest things anyone's ever said to me! It made me feel so much better! By the way Gallows' Stalker—I'm open for this Friday at 5:00. Shotgun wedding, hope you don't mind too much.

* * *

"It's hopeless." Moor Gault moaned monotonously. "We've been here for the last hour and all you creatures can come up with that's a definite option is eating and sadism!" He emphasized the last three words with pounds of his wings against the temple wall. "Haven't _any _of you learned _anything_ from the people with whom you travel?" 

"I learned how to piss people off!" A voice shouted from the back.

"I don't _care _if you can piss people off! I want revenge, dammit! Revenge!!!" The PO'd fire phoenix screeched.

"Works every time…" Fengalon said in self-satisfaction.

Moor Gault heaved a lengthy sigh. "OK. Since I don't know what else to do, were just going to go with Raftina's plan because she was the last Guardian received."

"BOO-YEAH!!!" Raftina floated into the air and shouted while swirling around her long, pointy sword. (Which I wouldn't really suggest at home, folks).

"High-five anyone? High-five?" Unfortunately, no one else had a 'five' to high with the exception of Celesdue, who would rather grow balls, have them castrated, then spend the rest of her life singing Soprano as a eunuch than congratulate the prettier Guardian. "Well then," Raftina went on as Moor Gault began to wonder what exactly he had done. "I declare this day a victory to all in the name of Love!"

The Guardian lifted her sword and shoved it forcefully into the Blue Palace's cracked temple wall.

And then it collapsed.

No for-warning. No desperate squeal of confusion. No burst of laughter from the Fates. But, none can say it wasn't meant to be… because that would disturb the rest of the plot line…

Luckily though, the Guardians have super-magic anti-buriable powers—which we won't go into right now—and made it out of the collapsed Palace alive… or as alive as you can be for a bunch of weirdo's bent on revenge.

Raftina looked at the pile of rubble sheepishly as she bent down and picked up her sword from beneath a rock. Then she chanced a peek over at the strangely calm Moor Gault. "Raftina…" He began coolly. "Can you hand me that sword, please?"

Raftina looked at her sword. It was her dueling sword addition #547 with special gold plating and chrome tip. The one her father had given to her when the four-fingered man had slaughtered him. _Wait a second…_ Raftina didn't have time to finish her thought before a fiery wing yanked the sword from her limp grasp.

"This," Moor Gault began, "IS WHY WE DON'T. GO. NICE. PLACES!!!" He banged the helpless sword on the desert ground beneath before tossing it over his shoulder and onto the railroad tracks.

Everyone flinched when the sound of a metal train going approximately 117 mph meeting a dueling sword addition #547 with special gold plating and chrome tip came to their ears. Pay attention class, we'll be having a test on this later.

Raftina looked over at the crumpled stack of metal, which used to be her addition #547 on the railroad tracks and felt tears sting her eyes. "I want my sword!" She wailed into the Filgaian sky.

"Come." A deep voice suddenly said. She felt an arm wrap around her shoulders and she looked up into gold eyes and a purple half-crescent moon. "We have much to discuss."

And so, Sesshō-maru the Dog Demon and Raftina Guardian of Love walked into the sunset.

And they both lived happily ever after. The End.

…

_Wait a second…_

* * *

It was like an awkward mix between cold, warm, rough, soft, and neurotic as the ten remaining Guardians crowded behind a solitary rock at the top of a cliff ledge. Even after the mysterious and completely random loss of the eleventh Desire-Basher, Raftina's idea was still being set to use after her disappearance due to her lack of Patent Pending. 

Take that Legal System of Filgaia!

Now, all they needed was for the target to walk into the trap. _Tha__t_ was the only real logical part of the plan. All they needed was to focus their desires so that Lucied would come and walk right up, drawn to them by nature. But, what to focus on…?

"Okay everyone," Moor Gault whispered, "Think of your strongest desires… NOW!!!"

Everyone shut his or her eyes tight, each with their own individual thoughts and desires.

And Lucied could hear them all.

* * *

A lone wolf was stretching its legs, enjoying the freedom of escaping the confines of that bright red trench coat. It was a beautiful day, now that the weather had begun to get steadily colder and colder, making it the first day in anyone's memories to reach 70 degrees—Fahrenheit, of course, because the Metric system made just too much sense. 

It was a nice day for a single and lovin' it Lucied, until thoughts suddenly rushed into the wolf's head. With a few seconds of vigorous, dog-like shaking, Lucied found s/he could single out each thought and place it, like a little game of connect the dots.

**Fengalon:** _I like chicken, I like liver, meow mix, meow mix, please deliver._

**Star Roe: **_I do NOT look like a midget-Gundam! You don't even__** watch **__the freakin' show!_

**Celesdue: **_I've only been mentioned _once _in this thing. And I'm way cooler than Raftina! Come on… I know you think I'm _sexy!

**Grudiev: **_Wouldn't it be ironic if there were a giant moth Guardian…_

**Schturdark: **_I hate my name. I mean, even _I _can't figure out how to pronounce it… I hate my life… I just want to jump off the nearest ledge and drown… wait a second… OH, DAMN THE FATES!!!_

**Moor Gault:**_ I see dumb people…but the real trick is to get them to shut up. Is that a Desire?_

**Chapapanga:** _I wish I were a _real _boy_

**Justine:** _Yeh, it's sad, believe me, Missy. When you're born to be a sissy, without the vim and verve. But I could show my prowess, be a lion not a mou-ess if I only had the nerve. I'm afraid there's no denyin' I'm just a dandelion, a fate I don't deserve… yada-yada-yada-yada-something-something-something-nerve!_

**Dan Dairam:**_ I'm a parody in myself. Look at me! I'm a Puss in Boots knock-off!_

**Zephyr: **_Oh I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner, an Oscar Mayer Weiner I would be. 'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner, then everyone would be in love with me._

Lucied shivered as s/he severed the connection between it and the 'desires.' From what was heard, the Guardians themselves desired more parody action and an expanded vocabulary of insults. (Some psychology would probably help, too).

That was perfectly fine for Lucied; it would just mean even more attention for the Desire Guardian and another appearance for a dazzling chapter or two (not if they had anything to do with it!).

And so Lucied trotted off unto impending doom and whatnot. Or _is _it…?

Yes, yes it is.

Or _is _yes it…?

…

_Wait a second_…

* * *

"I want my mediums back!" Virginia finally exploded. It had been an entire day and there was no sign of her Guardians. 

"We all want our mediums back, Virginia." Clive said, trying to calm the Drifter leader down.

"But, but, but…" She couldn't think of any way to counter that, except for a _crazy_ scheme. "I'm going to find my medium!" She shouted and stomped off into the chilly night, deserting the campsite as fast as I desert a plot line.

"Well, looks like another crazy adventure!" Gallows got up to follow after the retreating girl.

"NO!" Jet burst out. Everyone turned back to look at him, even Clive who had begun to get up and go with the other two. "I told you I'm not going in this story… you continue on and I'll… I'll commit suicide!"

The others kept on walking as Gallows shrugged, "It's been done before."


	3. Star Roe's Bad Conversation Skills

Disclaimer: I still do not own Wild Arms 3. On another note: I. LOVE. YOU. PEOPLE. It makes my day to get on the computer after a horrible day of school and read such great reviews. Heehee, Teefa and Co and Black Waltz 0, I love hearing the things you and your muses have to say! That's a crazy bunch right there! (I'm not sure if I'd love or hate to be inside your heads right now...) But, there's a big problem that's emerged: I've killed Gallows' Stalker… I'll give ya'll cookie if you keep it a secret. Mmm, a nice, crisp cookie with absolutely no form of arsenic hidden inside… I know you want it…

* * *

"Have no fear!" A dark purple wolf burst forth to throw a chilling shadow against the falling sun, "Lucied is here!" 

Lucied could have sworn that there was some movement behind that giant boulder over there, but was too encased in looking for the source of the 'desires' that it was overlooked.

"Okay, at the count of three we charge. Ready?" Moor Gault took a deep breath as adrenaline rushed to everyone's head. "One…"

Lucied started to sniff the ground for scents.

"Two…"

Lucied trotted closer to the cliff edge.

"Two and Three-Quarters…"

And a giant metallic red gleam came into view from out of nowhere.

"No, you idiot! I said at the count of three! THREE! Haven't you ever watched _The Holy Grail_?!" But, Moor Gault's insults were laid upon closed ears as Star Roe charged at the Desire Guardian full speed. And full speed was rather slow for the fat little whatever it is Star Roe happens to be.

Lucied turned around to meet the strange and short attacker and—with the expertise of, well, a wolf—tackled Star Roe to the ground.

Star Roe smiled bashfully, shifting under the purple wolf, and, in a sad attempt to break the awkward tension, said—"Well, looks like Lucied's a girl in the third game!"

The loud sound of a hard punt reached the other Guardians.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"

CRASH.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"

BOOM.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"

EXPLODE.

Lucied looked around satisfied greatly, and then turned, searching for anyone else. Not exactly sure what the hell that had all been about, the Guardian of Desire decided it best to just abandon these particular desires as some kind of crazy delusions and began to walk back from whence it—

"—Ahem!"

Sorry, whence _she _came.

Once the view was clear of any purple wolves, the Guardians slowly stepped their way from behind the boulder. Each chanced a peek over the edge of the cliff and down at the treacherous rocks below. It was now Fengalon's turn to try and break the awkward tension silencing the air.

"So…" He said while scratching the back of his neck with one furry paw, "Do we still go down there and skin him?"

* * *

"Well, we're back at square one." Moor Gault's statement was as clear as a Pike/Jet relationship. What? Am I the only one who sees that? 

But, in actuality, the statement was more of an understatement than a clear statement.

It was more close to _negative_ square one.

Or, maybe, a 'circle', if you will—a circle where everything random and horrible happened at exactly the wrong time and exactly the wrong place with Fate backing it all up and a circle where, instead of winding up at the beginning, you ended up at the negative beginning.

The negative square one circle beginning.

All nine—that's right; _nine _now—of the revenge-seekers were standing idly next to the pile of rubble formerly known as the Blue Palace. "All right" Moor Gault began solemnly, "What's Plan B in case Plan A didn't work out?"

Fengalon scratched the back of his head again. "Well, we were kind of hoping that Plan A would work… can we eat Lucied now?"

The negative square one circle beginning with no Plan B.

"Excuse me." Another fingered hand raised, this one a lot darker than the Love Guardians. "I think I have a plan that might work."

"Does it involve eating?"

"No… I don't think so…"

"Does it involve falling eight stories down a cliff?"

"No, definitely not."

"Does it involve any gender-confused mammals?"

"Yes!"

"Then step right up." Moor Gault waved a wing to motion for the person to announce the plan.

Celesdue moved forward and stepped on top of the pile of rubble defiantly. "You see," She began. "All we need to do is deprive Lucied of desires so that she starves!"

Well, it wasn't Einstein's Theory of Relativity, but it was as close to a Plan B as you can get when your allies are a group of strange, demented creatures with no goal in life other than to protect Filgaia (and all of them had yet to fulfill that goal).

"Okay, so let me get this straight: we tell everyone in Filgaia that they must ignore any and all desires so that we can starve a purple wolf who happens to be more popular then us." Moor Gault reiterated.

Celesdue nodded happily.

"Good. Now will this be before or after they barrage us with cats?"

* * *

"Apparently after." Moor Gault answered his own question as they entered the town of Jolly Roger only to get thrown out once again before the words even had time to appear above their head. Technically, they had just entered the town of 'Jol.' 

Celesdue was still picking cats off her dress as they continued onto the next town. As the Guardians walked into the settlement, they each looked up to read the name.

"Ark of Destiny… Doesn't this place sound a tad bit familiar?" Fengalon wondered aloud.

"No problem." Celesdue marched on confidently. "This place is just teeming with people who are willing to believe anything." Celesdue stopped dead in her tracks as a ghastly green figure appeared before the nine.

"Beware…" The apparition moaned into the wind.

"Beware of what?" Celesdue asked.

"Beware…"

"Of what?!"

"Beware…"

"Dude, you're not helping us any!"

"Oh fine, _destroy_ the mystic atmosphere." The ghost put his hands on his hips. "I mean, I try so hard to be all ghastly and come back from the dead and you all ruin it with your 'beware of what, beware of what?' What the bloody, friggin' hell do you _think_ to beware of?! The Ark of Destiny of course. They'll send you right to the guillotine, they will."

"Hey! I got it now! You're that Lamium guy!" Fengalon shouted happily.

"No duh I'm Lamium. Now, if you want to live, just leave now." Ghost-Lamium spoke.

"What happened to you're voice and you're… persona?" Moor Gault questioned. The previous Lamium had been kind and gentle and caring. Maybe it was an imposter Lamium. A dead imposter Lamium who came here as an ally of Desire… Okay, or maybe he was just being obsessive.

The negative square one circle just widened a bit more.

"Well, it's a long story… once Beatrice left me it affected my entire body in a way that caused my brain, the center of my personality and memories, to—"

"Oh no! This story's taking a serious turn! Run away!" Moor Gault commanded the troops but soon found himself banging his head with a crimson wing. "Not _that _way, you idiots!" Eight—that's right, _eight—_of the Guardian Lords were now sinking in the endless sea of sand.

Gradually fading into the distance, as though just a voice in his head, Moor Gault could here the sniggering of a dead religious leader moaning in a ghastly voice, _"Karma's a biiiiiitch…"_

Make that a negative square one circle with eight little dots sinking in the middle with no Plan C.

* * *

"Okay, if we want to find our Guardians, we must follow the stories plot line closely and try and keep up with the times." Virginia said as she paced back and forth. "Okay!" She suddenly snapped. She ran over to Clive, "You speak only using words you've replaced with other words from a thesaurus." 

("I concur," Clive replied without delay.)

She ran up to Jet. "You go lament about being an android then make out with me."

Then, she ran up to Gallows. "You provide comic relief at any cost."

Lastly, she pointed at herself. "I'll be cheery and endlessly optimistic and then become heart-broken, later dedicating the remainder of my sad life to avenging my fallen status and, in turn, involuntarily taking over the planet of Filgaia!" She paused after speaking and realized her mistake. "Ack! I didn't mean that last part! I didn't mean to be creative! No, I swear, it's been done before, it's been _done _before!" Virginia howled into the night sky.

Gallows sighed to himself. Trying to be in a cliché parody was hard with so many limitless possibilities and twists to stories that once may have appeared similar. Then, he remembered that thinking wasn't going to get them in any quicker. He needed to do something drastically stupid to redeem his cliché!

Amidst Virginia's continued wails, Gallows did the Chicken Dance.


	4. Lombardia Suggests 'Group Therapy'

Disclaimer: I do not own Wild Arms 3. (Note: this is like the place I answer reviews, so it might not make much sense if you haven't seen the review page) Dear Guardians... I've murdered two more people! First Gallows 'Stalker, then Lufia, now _Gallows_ too! I'm like Ge Ramtos, everything I touch dies! ... (evil smile)... hehehehehehe... First off, I would like to thank the Temple of Guardianism Website for help on the names of all the Guardians in all three games (there's your answer TetsouTsubushi) and I am hoping to be added to their lists of Guardianists soon. If you go to the site, you can see a new picture of the Guardian of Fire that looks SO SWEET. Anyway, Here is my behind schedule update: 

* * *

Lombardia was enjoying her cruise across the bright blue Filgaian sky. Things were going the dragon's way today, so it seemed. She had just gotten back from teasing the other modes of transportation. Today she had succeeded in making the Sandcraft give into an inferiority complex.

It felt good to be one of the oldest living mechanization in the world. And it helped having rocket boosters, launching canons, and weighing nearly 100 tons.

But, it was a truly beautiful day with nothing to do but laze around and fly.

Unless, of course, you happen to fall into a plot line.

As it so happened, on Lombardia's special day of doing nothing, as she was crossing over the expanse known to the local residents as the 'Sea of Sand', Lombardia witnessed something truly extraordinary.

"Oh my Guardians!" Lombardia squeaked. "It appears to be dragon mating season already. And a fine pair those two make." Lombardia dove in for a closer look. "Well," She whispered in self-defense, "Dragon's have needs too."

As the perversion driven dragon looked closer she found that it was not indeed two mating dragons she was looking at (damn), but a giant pile of sinking... _Demons?!_

"Ack! The enemy!" Lombradia immediately pulled back and opened her canon booster. And a can of whoop-ass.

The Guardians trapped in the sandy doom beneath had a total of three seconds to react fully to the oncoming assault.

The third second of which was spent praying for their lives. No, not to _themselves, _stupid. To the Mighty Gerbil from Above. Can't go wrong with rodents from the sky.

Moor Gault, being both the only Guardian not trapped in a sea of sand and the only atheist, decided to take a much more intelligent choice. He ran for his bloody, flaming, life in a desperate attempt to alter impending doom. Unfortunately, there also happens to be a Guardian of Time located about five feet away. And that doesn't help when you're trying to alter Fate.

You can run, but you can't hide. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!...ahem.

But, in the end, no one died. Sure, there WAS a big explosion, a lot of coughing, and a pile of flesh and metal still sinking in sand. But no death. Because this is a PG-13 and I don't think we're ready for that step yet, people!

Anyhow, our protagonist Moor Gault was literally ready to explode from fear. All the Guardians in the sinking pile had stopped praying by now, as they instead looked up towards to sky to see what had deflected the missile. As for the ones on the bottom, may Solus Emsu accept them with open arms.

"A spaceship?!" Moor Gault shouted in disbelief and stopped trembling in his non-existent boots.

Debris from the alien vessel began to descend from the sky and onto the ground. Lombardia looked less surprised then everyone else. "Hey, there are a lot weirder things on this planet then aliens. All of which I will not go into right now. _Anyway_," Lombardia swooped down and landed with a hard 'thud' on the ground. "Back to the matter at hand." She finished.

Lombardia began to speak, holding her best noble tone quality. "Thou demons hast cometh upon thine's world where demons are the enemy of all virtue and purity. Thou demons from yonder distant star, we must duel for the sake of this one's planet."

"What the hell did you just say?" Moor Gault chanced to ask.

"Thou demons from thine yonder star must fall to the wrath of a thousand suns."

"What?"

"GET THE HELL OFF MY PLANET!!!" Lombardia burst in sudden-poetic beauty.

"Hey, listen up, _dragon._" As Moor Gault spoke he felt like the big cheese. Or big flaming ball of fire and fumes. Either ways fine. "I've been guarding this planet just fine before you were even a atom of aluminum. I think _I _can handle this by myself, thank you very much."

"Would that, by chance, be thou's pack of hooligans sinking in the Seas of Sand?" Lombardia pointed a giant metal arm over to the pile of Guardians. One waved back nervously in response. Moor Gault mentally gave himself a give whack in the brain.

"Yes." He answered solemnly.

"Then, this one might have a proposition to make with thou. _This one _does not use any rocket launchers, grenade packs, or dooms-day devices on thou's pack of elemental minions whilst saving them from a most undesirable demise and _thou _apologize for calling me aluminum. I believe this one is titanium, thank you very much."

"You strike a hard bargain, dragon." Moor Gault spoke. But, when your up against one of the most powerful creatures since the dawn of time itself and your entire force is (still) sinking in a endless sea of sand you tend to except any help you can get. "-But I'll accept."

* * *

It was quite an amazing experience, soaring through the open Filgaian sky on a dragon's rough metal back. Unless, of course, one of two things get in the way. 1) Your hanging from a tiny piece of string located too close to the jet boosters for comfort, or 2) Your afraid of heights.

"Wow, it's really high up here... maybe we can swing down a little, possibly just walk from here on... Watch out!" Two burning red wings held a death grip onto whatever they could grasp on the metal dragon that just narrowly avoided a cliff face.

"It surprises this one that one such as thou has a fear of the sky, being born with wings to graze the clouds with and all. What with thou bolting from the sky to blaze the enemy with inferno no beast can match." Lombardia's voice boomed.

Moor Gault straightened up defensively while still clutching Lombardia for dear life. " Well, you have to make sacrifices being a Guardian and all... but the root of my problem I think is in my childhood days... my father used to tell me that the sky was a giant net and if you flew in it you died... My father was always lying!" He wailed in remorse.

"Oh... you mean like the apple seed gig?" She questioned.

"What apple seed gig?"

"Thou knows... where thine's father declares if thou consumes a seed from a apple plant then a tree will grow in thine's stomach."

"Oh! Funny story... that really happened to me once. In fact, that tree's still in there." Moor Gault smiled as Lombardia sighed.

"Well, what are thou to do once thou's army has started thine's quest again?" She asked.

The Fire Guardian looked back at his 'comrades' who had been starring at him in a menacing manner since they had managed to climb onto a rope lowered by the dragon and escaped the most unpleasant demise. It was kind of creepy having all those yellow eyes all peering at once at you... He wondered what they were thinking right now...

_Zephyr: I am soooo gonna kill—_

"Enough! Enough already! Oh... we'll figure something out sooner or later."

"Might this one suggest a kind of group therapy to recreate the bond of a commander and his troop?"

Moor Gault took awhile to ponder this idea. _Therapy? I dunno... with all this tension it could make things worse. But then... everything we've done so far has been pretty bad... aw, what the hey! I'll do it! _"Yeah, therapy will help a lot! It will do wonder on our fight against Lucied!"

"Lucied? Of Desire? Oh, fine lass she is! She once told this one that my desire of death from immortality was foolish and she had better things to look for like old desperate man and young angst teens to feed off of desires from." Lombradia spoke happily.

"You... are an ally of Desire?"

"Yes. I suppose I am."

Moor Gault slipped a small cutlass that he always kept at his side out from his pocket. You can't live in Filgaia without a cutlass in you pocket!

"I'm sorry, but I'll have to kill you now." He said.

"Okay everyone, it's time to here your letter now." The voice echoed all across the twilight sky. It wasn't a _horrible _idea. It was certainly better then the other so far, this new prospect of ' group psychology'. It was only 2,000 Gella for a specialist to say that they could better express they're anger through writing rather then spoken words and so the idea of 'letter' therapy' had come. Okay, it wasn't the _best _idea either. But it was worth a shot!

Schturdark was the first to step up with a piece of lined paper in her hands. She began to read it aloud. "Dear Moor Gault, It makes me feel sad when you always put us other Guardians down by making us seem stupider then you. We each have souls and feelings, but express them differently. No hurt feelings, but we should try to—"

Fengalon shot a paw up into the air urgently. "Oh! Oh! Can I go now?"

Moor Gault sighed. " Yes you may, Fengalon."

"Dear Moor Gault," The white tiger began. "I think you are a big motherfu—"

"That's it!" Moor Gault burst, slamming his wings on the ground. "This is pointless! We're hunting an enemy here! We don't have time for this stuff! There's got to be a faster way..."

"I agree." Celesdue got up and spoke quickly. "A way that will satisfy most of us."

_Most...? _He thought uneasily.

"Wiffle bats."

"Wiffle... bats?" He asked cautiously.

In response Celesdue pulled out a long yellow padded bat and held it for all to see. "A wiffle bat. Observe."

A yellow streak of light moved with expertise at its main target.

"Ow! That kind of hurt..." Moor Gault rubbed tenderly the part of his head that had been bashed.

"Wiffle bats." Celesdue said simply, pointing back at the victim.

One by one, yellow bats began to appear in the possession of the other Guardians.

"Hey... hold on there a second... where did you get those all of a sudden?" Moor Gault took a step back from the advancing party.

"Hey! Let's go back to 'therapy letter', huh? Fengalon, I liked yours... please continue... Wait a second guys... all my father told me was a lie!" But it was too late for excuses, he was cornered.

And the night air went alight with the sound of wiffling.

* * *

"Well, this is great! Were in this story by a thread and all we've managed to do is make both Jet _and _Clive horribly more angst then usual!" Gallows yelled, the comical relief quickly draining out of him. Jet and Clive both sat on the log next to the fire and sighed.

"I know what we need! An insider to alert us on current events!" Virginia popped up with the idea. Jet, Clive and Gallows all sighed in unison.

"Like who?" Gallows asked skeptically.

"Asgard!" She replied. "All we have to do is revive Asgard and send him in the plot line! It's bullet proof... almost bullet proof... all we need to do is figure out how to raise Asgard from the dead!"

"How long will that take?"

She counted a bit on her fingers. "Two days and ten cans of soda!"


	5. Dan Dairam Spontaneously Decapitates

Disclaimer: Maybe it would be easier to stop doing these and just get sued... I do not own Wild Arms 3 or the Guardians—I only own the crazy things they do for attention. I like reviews... and making peoples day. It's nice to make peoples days and for reviews to make my day... I still LOVE.YOU.PEOPLE. (Platonically!) and shall continue to try and update as often as possible. It's not so much as lack of ideas that I cannot update, but lack of time. School... damn school... though I should be lucky to have school since a lot of people don't. School... I kind of love you school... (Platonically!)

* * *

Chapapanga was the first to lean down and poke the still body. Poke... poke... poke... " It's really quite fun, you all should join in." He said in the usual high-munchkin voice. Poke...poke...

Wiffle bats long abandoned, everything was at a stand still until they're leader woke up. Yes, they had quietly accepted the fact that they're hand eye coordination was that of a head-less ant and they did in fact need a certain Fire Guardians help.

Poke...poke...poke...

"You know, we'll need an awful lot of Luck for him to wake up again. Luckily, I'm the Guardian _of _Luck. Then again... that means Bad Luck too... so my pokes could just be a fingery death sentence for him."

Poke...poke...poke...

It didn't take but two meager seconds before Chapapanga found himself pinned beneath a growling giant white tiger. "Stop poking my friend!" Fengalon roared.

"Now, now... this is the stuff that Moor Gault was talking about." Celesdue stepped forward and parted the two fuming Guardians. "We need to figure out what to do while he's unconscious. Maybe get ahead on our Plans." She spoke calmly.

"Right..." Fengalon looked downcast as Chapapanga straightened up. "If only there was some way to alter time so that we could go back to when Moor Gault wasn't wiffled..." As the white tigers words fumbled their way from the mouth to each ear in the vicinity, a new idea sparked.

"Dan Dairam, would you mind coming up front for a second?" Celesdue called back for the fully clothed cat.

"May I be at your service, Madam?" Dan Dairam stepped forward with a deep-set bow that always made the Moon Guardian blush. Then she remembered the task.

"Dan Dairam, we need to go back in time. Can you do that for us possibly? Go back to before we wiffled Moor Gault?"

"No problem, my lady—"

"Wait, wait, wait... hold up... we can do this without the red dragon, we can use our new found ability to morph time to our sick, twisted, revenge." Grudiev now stepped forth and spoke. A hush of agreement murmured through the rest of the Guardians.

"Oh! Oh! We can go back to when Lucied was just hernia and destroy her!" Fengalon piped in.

"That's just _disturbing... _Do you even know _what_ a hernia is, Fengalon?" Celesdue asked skeptically.

"I assumed it was a kind of taco topping... but if that idea doesn't work: let's just go back to when Lucied was a puppy and 'put her down'." An evil smirk spread across every face and muzzle.

Dan Dairam gave another deep bow, yellow eyes twinkling ominously. "As you wish."

And all he ever said was 'as you wish'. And she was amazed to find one day, that he wasn't really saying 'as you wish', but ' I love you'.

"Ummm, can we keep to _this _story please?"

Oh, right. And so, the adventure through infinity and beyond was about to begin.

* * *

Everyone rubbed their eyes as a blinding light flashed about them. "Welcome to the past." Dan Dairam said as he swept an elegant wave of the paw.

They all looked around and spotted a little violet dot on the horizon, moving fast. " I'm gonna beat you to the hill top!" A shout echoed down across the land.

The purple dot moved closer and they soon found a tiny Lucied stopping at a halt as a panting figure caught up to her. "That was fun!" Lucied shouted happily, prancing around the tried being. "Again?" It was more of a demand then a question as the other organism stood up and readied for another race.

"You see, a Guardian is formed when the element it is bound to becomes too large for even the planet itself to manage, so the access elemental matter is put into a being who thrives off of such matter; a Guardian. But after the Guardian has been around for a long time, its connection to the planet grows so strong that they can no longer survive without one another." Dan Dairam explained. "This is the person who created all that excess Desire to form Lucied." He pointed one claw over at the shadow next to the prancing puppy.

"Florina?!" Celsedue was the first to shout as she saw the girl smile bashfully down at Lucied. "But, but, but, but..."

Just then Florina burst into a fit of maniacal laughter as her eyes turned a deep crimson red. Lucied's tail wagged happily as a rosy pink tongue popped its way out the Desire Guardians mouth.

"OH MY DEITY!!!" Celesdue shrieked.

"Oh... by the way, Florina's actually an android." Dan Dairam added as a side note. "She was created by someone or another some time ago to try and destroy the planet."

"But she loves flowers and Filgaia, once she gave me a flower." Grudiev pulled out a dried up pansy.

"Hmmm... let's see why she loves flowers." And with another deep bow, Dan Dairam and the other Guardians went spinning through time.

* * *

They all saw the bright flash of light again only a different scene greeted theme after words.

It showed Florina in her little patch of flowers, watering diligently. She stood up and looked proudly around her before whispering, "Now, these flowers of the Earth will attract Grudiev so I can push him off the cliff ledge!" Another fit of maniacal laughter broke the air.

"Hey! That's sounds a lot like what we... _weird_..." Fengalon was mystified while Grudiev intruded angrily. "What?! Why would she do that?! I mean, she's never tried anything _else _on me!"

"Then, let us go nearer to the present day." Dan Dairam bowed again and time shifted once more.

* * *

Whoa... more bright flashing lights... Déjà vu.

"Okay... I see myself over there. And, see! She's giving me a flower!" Grudiev pointed out matter-of-factly.

"Here's your flower, Mr. Grudiev." Florina handed a flower over to alternate Grudiev innocently.

Grudiev took a deep whiff of the tiny pansy as Florina took a step behind his scaly back, pulling a knife from beneath her dress and holding it above her head menacingly.

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN

Grudiev's head bolted upright. "Where'd that music come from?!" Florina shoved the knife back inside her dress, smiling sweetly. "It was just the song of the flowers." She said softly. "Oh... OK..." Grudiev turned back around to sniff the flower. Florina lifted the knife slowly...

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN

"What was that?!" Grudiev bolted up again and Florina hide the knife. "Nothing... go back to being completely oblivious to what's happening around you..."

"No... I should get going now. Thanks for the flower though!" And with that, alter-Gurdiev bumbled along his merry way.

Florina looked ahead at the figure towering off along it's way before throwing her blade down dejectedly. "DAMN YOU FORESHADOWING ORCHESTRA BACKGROUND MUSIC!!! DAMN YOU!!!" She shouted into the Filgaian sky.

"Wow... so Florina is actually a immortal android who's been around for a long time and was created by some people to destroy the planet and she used her desire for friendship to create Lucied and now she plants flower and stuff to try and attract then kill Grudiev because of his connection to the planet?" Celesdue asked in one sharp breath.

"Yes, wonderful summary. And all this homicidal android wanted was a friend. You people should be ashamed of yourselves." As Dan Dairam spoke, Schturdark bowed her head shamefully.

"Who cares about all this stuff anyway? Except for an emotionally wounded Grudiev... by the way, sorry man, were going to ALL need therapy after THIS... Let's get back to murdering some wolves! Dan Dairam, take us back in time so we can kill Lucied and I can eat some hernia's!" Fengalon was getting grumpy from his lack of food for the past few days and giving directions left a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

"I shall warn you... altering the past will create horrible consequences in the future and may even cause the apocalypse to kill every—"

"I SAID I WANT MY TACO TOPPINGS!!!" Fengalon cut off Dan Dairam and a now not-so-blinding light stretched across the expanse.

* * *

In a flash and one milli-second, they were now back at the scene with Lucied and Florina racing across the Filgaian hills.

"Awww, that's still adorable." Schturdark said with a slight purr.

"Awww, this is what you get for trying to kill the Guardian of Earth." Grudiev powered up for his Planet Breaker and everyone backed up as the winds began to howl and the ground beneath cracked.

"Do you hear that?" Lucied whispered as they watched the sky darken. "It's the sound of the screeching eels... I mean; it's the sound of an enemy. We must run for our—"

And a bright flash of light and roar of tremendous power echoed across the landscape. Dan Dairam smiled gaily, happy to know that it wasn't him who was causing the light for once.

"Now," Grudiev panted, as aw spread amongst them as they witnessed the cracked and demolished Filgaia earth that used to be perfectly clean and smooth. "Let's go back to the future."

'_Damn...' _The Chrono-Cat thought bitterly as he waved a fine paw and a light covered the destroyed area and going to the future again.

* * *

"Oh my Guardians! What have we done? Filgaia's turned into a wasteland!" Fengalon wailed before catching himself. "Oh... right."

Celesdue took a quick look around. "Everything seems normal... looks like we've finished the story with no moral value what-so-ever."

I THINK NOT.

Just then, something made itself visible along the horizon line. It looked to be flying, but not like Lombradia or one of the doves/crows that existed every few towns. As it made it's way closer and closer, the shape became more definite and looked like a witch in a classic pose. In fact it was... but a very _different _kind of witch...

"Hello, and welcome to Hogwarts." The witch zoomed in on a broomstick in front of the dazed Guardians. She looked from one to one and made a funny face. "My, you are quite a bunch of magical beasts. Best get Hagrid on this one."

"You have a scar on your forehead...like the mark of Nua Shakks..." Celesdue said, still a bit confused, before clasping a hand over her mouth. "My Goodness! You're a dude in a dress!"

"It's a ROBE." He who was a she for a while said defensively.

"Erm, where ARE we?" Celesdue asked quietly.

"Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. As new students, you'll love it here, I know _I _do!" (Platonically...?)

"No! Were in Filgaia! Where's Gallows? Where's Rudy? Where's Keil? Where's Florina? Where's Pike? Where's Mirabelle? Where's Pookie? Where's HanPan? Where is my Filgaia with interesting characters and plot line? But most of all, WHERE'S MY HERNIA?!" Fengalon wailed a bit in shock.

"Oh, J.K. Rowling bought Media Vision years ago to create a Harry Potter and the _Sirius is Dead and Had No Children so Get Used to that Fact_ game to help girls around the world cope. The old M.V. Company was always missing something that was a key element in their ideas... something that made people say, ' wow, that's really cool and different and purple'. So, they went bankrupt." The wizard explained with a smile on his face.

"NOOOOOO!!! Dan Dairam, take us back! Take us back!" Fengalon ran over and shook the poor cat by the rough of his neck. Dan Dairam parted from the hysterical Guardian and took a deep bow.

* * *

Blinding light...yada, yada....

They all looked around and spotted a little violet dot on the horizon, moving fast. " I'm going to beat you to the hill top!" A shout echoed down across the land.

"Good, now no one attack!" Celesdue said.

And no one did. So it seemed appropriate to go back to the future, knowing that no one would attack Lucied or Florina at this time.

* * *

Light. 'Nuff said on that part. Big words confuse me anyway.

And it collapsed.

"Nope, not far enough ahead."

* * *

More light...

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN

"Still no good."

* * *

THE LIGHT! IT BURNS! IT—nah, I'm just joshing with you.

And so Lucied trotted off unto impending doom and whatnot. Or _is _it...?

"No good! We already know she doesn't die!"

Dan Dairam was panting for air but managed to gasp out, "I've run out of FP you guys, we need to stay here for a moment."

"But think of the future! We must change it!" Celesdue begged with pleading puppy-dog eyes. Dan Dairam panted before taking a deep breath and shifting through the sands of time once again.

* * *

Darkness. A pleasant, yet unexpected change from all the light that had been flashing.

"Cat thing, I think were still in the fourth dimension of time and space... we need to get out of here." Celesdue said and marveled at the darkness. " Dan Dairam?"

And an exploding sound destroyed all sense of the word 'pleasant' at the moment.

"Dan Dairam!" Fengalon race over and picked up what seemed to be the head of a violet talking cat. Blood was gushing out of what used to be a connection between the neck and chin. "My Guardians... you've spontaneously decapitated!" Fengalon said shocked as Dan Dairam managed to speak while still a living head. "Take my last power to go back to the unaltered future... continue my quest... and my legacy... my only regret is that I... is that I... I..." And a mortal silence filled the darkness.

And WolfbanesHybrid ran to the toilet to vomit a bit before explaining a simple theory to all people. "Guardians can't die as long as the planet continues giving them the element they need to survive, but a Guardian can fade in power as the planet fades in power. So, when a Guardian 'dies' they actually go up to meet Solus Emsu up in heaven (Solus Emsu being the Guardian of Heaven) and have cocktails until they figure they have to go down to the planet because of all the access elements that may be over-stuffing Filgaia or that Filgaia is in danger at the moment or because they are connected to the planet and severing that connection for too long could mean certain doom. The Guardians themselves have never died (this being a strange and nearly non-existent act) that often before, so Solus Emsu's cocktail parties are rather empty. There's a Guardian up there who is extremely lonely. But, if Moor Gault had been awake, he probably would have rejected the idea of going back in time and went back to being an intellectual snot who I can't help but love. Love him I say, love him. (Maybe not platonically...). I hope that explains something. So, everyone who has 'died' so far is not dead, that's why there was no real grieving or anything. And, partly because I thought that would really dampen the mood and make people sad. No one wants to laugh at a grieving party. Which are less fun then a cocktail party and ten times more depressing. Anyway, I hope I haven't left you nightmares of headless cat's for lifetimes to come."

Fengalon dropped the now vacant of speech head and sighed deeply. "Let's go back now that we've gone and made the future normal again."

* * *

They all transported back in time with the remainder of the energy Dan Dairam left them. All was quiet and solemn now that they had lost another comrade when...

"My name is Asgard!" A shadowy figure loomed out of now where. At least it wasn't another transvestite.

"Okay... what do you do?" Justine summoned the Courage to speak to the frightening figure before him while everyone else was still a bit out of it.

"I follow your every whim!" Asgard spoke loudly back.

"Can you mix a martini?" Justine questioned.

"Yes, Master!"

"You've got a long job ahead of you."

* * *

"Okay, it's taken a week more then originally planned and five cups of coffee on top of all that soda, but we've done it!" Virginia looked proudly at the laptop on her lap. Her hair was frizzed and her eyes had black circles under them, but she was unfazed herself. In fact, she felt like bouncy up and down and shouting random words really fast. That would have to happen later. "We can track whatever Asgard sees through the link connecting the laptop and the camera inside the ten gallon hat on Asgard's head!" She said triumphantly before turning back to the laptop. "Hmmm... the screen shows that the camera is looking at a pair of boots. Hey! They look just like mine!" She piped angrily.

"Ummm, Virginia? Your holding the hat in your hands still." Gallows said sheepishly as Virginia look away from the computer screen and at the hat held within her grasp. "...Dammit..." She cursed under her breath.

"And maybe we should untie the Schreodingers, they're beginning to smell." He then pointed to the three humans and a cat tied to a nearby tree where they had remained for quite some time since their kidnap for the use of their high-tech laptop and camera.

"We can just leave them there for awhile longer, if they die, they can't sue us for kidnapping them!" Virginia smiled as she spoke.

"Virginia... if there died we could go to _Jail_. That would be five murders on our heads." Clive spoke up for his first time in awhile.

"The camera..." Jet mumbled.

"We'll bury the bodies!" Virginia spoke evilly. Maybe she's an android too... **O.O**

"The camera!" Jet shouted

"Ack! The camera's still on! Turn it off! Turn it off!" And the laptop screen went black after the sound the female leader's frantic yells.


	6. Lucied's Metrophobia

Disclaimer: I do not own Wild Arms 3. Woot! A little Lucied intermission, showing the troubled side of the purple wolf thing. Sorry I haven't updated, I have been on Ruins of Filgaia forum a whole lot and yesterday I was out for six hours at the JagerMusic Tour (featuring Slayer, Killswitch Engage, and Mastodon). My big sister was trying her best to keep me from the mash pits and people kept stepping on my feet. My very first metal concert! Woot! If Gallows' Stalker could get me a picture of Gallows in a hamster suit, my life would be complete and I don't think I will time travel anymore; I might start giving TetsouTsubushi a seizure. Thanks Teefa85, fellow RoFFer and the strange Shiver who wrote that Lost Memories fan site… That was wicked frickin' awesome…

* * *

And so the story always goes of a lone wolf's journey for companionship...

" A personal WHAT?!" Lucied barked loudly enough for every one in the restaurant who wasn't already looking to turn her way.

" A personal ad, Lucied. You always manage to grab the weirdest people on the dating scene, maybe an ad would be better…" Pike comforted the huffy wolf with a pat to the head, Lucied tried to bite that hand angrily.

" I do NOT get the weird people… I get very unique people who are just very involved in their plot lines…" Lucied turned away as Pike sighed.

" You've had a evil metal demon named Boomerang, a person with a gigantic sword named Anastasia, and then there was that hedgehog in Mexico… Lucied, you need a _real _boyfriend." As he finished speaking Lucied grumbled a low, " Yeah…" before barking for the barkeep to play another song. " But if walls could talk…" She gave sly smile, " They would have some pretty good stories to share with you…"

" I'll remember that next time I'm on shrooms." Pike gave a smile as Lucied chuckled merrily; it was a long time since she'd had a good conversation with anyone—especially someone like… well, _Pike_… Maybe she _was_ really lonely inside… Lucied got up to leave, careful to reach into her fur and pull out some Gella in her mouth to toss at the table.

"Oh, and by the way," Lucied turned back at the door to face the other people gathered at the inn/ bar/ restaurant/ assassin's HQ, " None of your Desires shall be fulfilled." She turned toward one particular person and growled. " Especially _you, _you _sicko_." And with that, the Guardian of Desire turned her heal and left.

* * *

" Male, age 45, occupation accountant…" A claw skimmed down the other entries in the newspaper. " Female, age 18, occupation _floozy…_ Male, age 1,000, occupation metal demon… Bah!" Lucied barked furiously, shoving the newspaper aside. " I'm getting no where on this!" She then sighed and reached for her own ad she'd written herself last night. 

' _Female_

_Age: Very, very, very, very, very, very, old_

_Occupation: Guardian of Desire_

_Likes: Being purple and cool, music, saving the world, and being a wolf with the ability to speak several tongues_

_Dislikes: A lot of things, we won't go into them right now_

_Is looking for: Anything that doesn't have a big sword or that sinks in water_

_One thing to remember about me: I can read your Desires, so don't be thinking anything you don't want me to hear.'_

Of course, that's what it was _supposed _to look like. It ended up, however, reading a little something like alien code written in old English that was scribbled down by a three year old while it was riding a buffalo. _' Damn paws…' _Lucied thought disdainfully as she licked the top of an envelope and shoved the letter inside. " Now to wait as the letters come in…" Lucied said aloud and curled up for a good night's rest on another bar's floor, having no place to stay other then Clive's pocket—and that wasn't the best place to pick up dudes.

* * *

" Is there a Lucied, here? Lucied of…" The mailman checked the name again. " Desire?" 

A wolf's purple head jolted from it's placed on the floor. " That would be me!" She cried happily as the people in the bar didn't even turn their heads, a bit used to hallucinating about the strange being for the last few days.

" AHHHHHHHHHH!" The mailman screamed in mortal terror at the creature bounding towards him. " BACK I SAY, BACK AWAY!" He screamed.

Lucied took a few steps backward. " Listen man, I don't mean any trouble. Just hand me the mail nice and easy, okay?"

" What's going on here?" Just then, the Sheriff of Little Twister stepped in after hearing all the ruckus. Being the only law enforcement officer on Filgaia and the only man who has a random appearance setting of nothing and no importance what so ever, it only makes sense that he should come into the story right about… now.

" Just a guess officer, but I believe this man suffers from Porphyrophobia, Japanophobia, Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, Doraphobia, Cynophobia, Agrizoophobia, Fearaphobia all at once." Lucied deducted.

" Wow, that must suck." The Sheriff said, scratching his head.

" Indeed." Lucied agreed. " If I were to be situated in that current situation, I would sit down and take a deep inhale of Oxygen before sipping some… _Di_ _Hydragen Monoxide_!"

Lucied nearly collapsed to the floor laughing as the man screamed even louder and curled up into a little ball. " Hey, don't make fun of him just because… _My coat is made of mink_!" The Sheriff and the Guardian of Desire both burst into laughter as the man put his hands over his ears.

" Maybe it's a… _purple mink_?"

" No… I believe it is a… _wild Japanese spaniel_!"

They both wiped tears from their eyes as the man crawled out of the bar to go give out the rest of the mail for, as we say here in Cambodia, through snow, sleet, wind, and hail, we will deliver your mail! Or in this case, through a fear of dogs, the color purple, the Japanese, wild animals, animal fur, long words, and a fear of fears. There goes the last sane mailman on Filgaia… And probably the _only_ mailman on Filgaia…

" That was great… but seriously, your going to jail."

" What?!" Lucied started. " Why?!"

" For associating with this man!" The Sheriff held out a piece of paper and brought it down to eye level for the purple wolf.

" That looks like a crudly drawn stick figure with a ketchup stain in the far right corner." Lucied said, eyeing the piece of paper carefully.

" Yes… Well, your under arrest for association with John X. Smith."

" Is this _toilet paper?_" She sniffed the paper before it was yanked from under her nose roughly.

" That's it, your going to the big house!" The Sheriff said, taking out a pair of handcuffs and putting them around Lucied's purple paws. " You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be misinterpruted then used against you in the court of law." He read the rights as Lucied struggled. " Wait! I need my mail! People want to date me! I have to answer them!"

" Where your going you won't be able to answer anyone…" The Sheriff said, taking his horses reigns and putting them around Lucied's head as a makeshift muzzle.

" Burmuda…?" She said hopefully, putting on a puppy-dog face.

" No! Jail!"

" Damn…" She muttered as he finished tying on the 'muzzle' and loaded the Guardian of Desire on his horse.

* * *

" Nobody's knows the trouble I've seen, nobody's knows the sorrow… Nobody knows the trouble we'll see, waiting for tomorrow…" A long mournfal howl echoed through the prison's walls. 

" Oh, nobody knows the horror I've seen, nobody know the sight… Nobody knows the horror we'll see, waiting for the night… Take it Lucied!"

" Nobody know the weird things I've seen, noboy knows the desires… Nobody know the weird things I'll see, once I manage to break out of this Guardians-forsaken jail with some pliers…" Lucied gave another mournfal howl.

" That wasn't very good…" The figure next to her said bluntly.

" Yeah, your right… Okay, let's try this one. Nobody know the—"

" Let's talk about what everybody knows for once." Another figure said. " Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, tea pots and sleighbells and warm wolly mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string, these are few of my favoirte things! When the dog bites—"

" No, no good… I got one!" Lucied perked up and wagged her tail happily. "You've been hit by,  
you've been hit by—A smooth criminal."

" You should join Karaoke, Lucied." The first figure said.

" Yeah… Once I figure out how to get my sanity back…" She said, but quickly caught herself. " I mean, it's not that you guys are bad… I just find it awkward to have floating puffins talking to me while I'm alone in my cell waiting for certain doom."

" That's okay." The levitating puffins said in unison. " Were used to it."

The sound of someone coming into the jailhouse brought Lucied out of her dazed state of mind. " Lucied of Desire, you are to be hanged at the end of the minute." The black hooded person that approached her cell said in a deep and threatening voice.

" Don't I get a last meal or an lawyer or something?"

" …"

" Your not going to answer me, are you?" Lucied said, letting her head and tail droop down. " Well, I guess this is goodbye Jed and Bob the gravity-defying puffin's… I'll miss you."

" Goodbye Lucied." The puffins said in unison, fading out of existence. The man with a black hood just shook his head, first he was told to execute a talking purple wolf, and then he finds out that the talking purple wolf is not only real, but psychotic too.

Everyone who had crowded around the area outside the Jailhouse was looking with glaring eyes at the Guardian exiting the place with the hooded executioner quick at her heels. The gallows (_wooden _gallows) were creaking eerily as an unusually strong breeze swept across the land.

Lucied stepped up as the noose was fastened around her neck and the executioner stood at the ready to pull the lever that would release the trap door beneath her feet. The Sheriff stepped up and held a piece of paper in the air for everyone in the crowd to see.

" This is for associating with John X. Smith!" He said loudly.

" Who's John X. Smith?" Someone from the crowd shouted.

" I think he was my shoe shiner." Someone else said.

" No, no, no, no… He was that elderly man who would say hello to people." Another person yelled.

" I think he was a doodle I drew in seventh grade…"

" Does Filgaia even _have_ a school system?"

" Maybe there's an abyss where all of our educated scientists pop out of."

" No… we already have an abyss and all that comes out of it are blue jewels."

" Oh… who places those things anyway?"

" Maybe John X. Smith does."

" Enough! You want to see an execution or not, people?!" The Sheriff said angrily.

" Maybe she was associating with John _C. _Smith."

" Quite possibly, maybe Jonathon _X. _Schmitt?"

" Johnny _E. _Smitty?"

" Screw this!" The Sheriff said and motioned for the executioner to pull the switch. Just as the trap door whooshed open and Lucied was thinking she'd never get her mail, another fast paced wind swept through and shook the area with tremendous force. A few people blew a couple of feet away and the rope around Lucied's neck snapped suddenly as the Guardian of Desire gave a dark smile as she got up and took a deep breath. " MWHAHAHAHAHA!" She released an evil laugh. " This is what you foolish humans get for messing with a Guardian!" A giant purple drop of water-like substance fell from the sky, but its landing was interrupted by a women on a bicycle. " Hey lady, we outlawed wind-bicycling ten years ago!" The Sheriff shouted and was cut off soon by the sound of a horrible whine and dog intestines spurting on his face. Before the attack could finish, Lucied found herself being whisked away into the sky.

" Wha—?" Lucied looked up to see a masked figure soaring through the air without wings, holding her tightly with a gigantic paw. They landed a few minutes later on a deserted peninsula. As the giant figure turned to leave, Lucied called out, " Wait!" It stopped and looked at her with hidden yellow eyes. She walked up slowly to the creature until their noses nearly touched.

The unknown hero soon had his giant paw rubbing the side of his cheek that the wolf had viciously slapped at with a purple paw. " Don't you EVER interrupt my revenge AGAIN!" And with that, Lucied went off to find her mail at the bar.

* * *

Lucied sighed as she went through all the mail from her ad. Each and every one was either smutty, boring, or just plain _weird. _She picked up another piece of mail and shredded it open with her fine teeth to read the letter inside. 

' _We are sorry to inform you, Ms. Lucied of Desire, that you must be eighteen or older to submit an entry. Please take this as a consolation prize.'_

Lucied growled and threw the letter into the trashcan, careful to take the lollipop out first. She was about to give up when she decided to read just one more letter. _' Fifty-eighth times a charm…' _She thought tiredly to herself as she tore it open and read the contents.

' _Dear Lucied of Desire,  
__  
I wish to meet you here someday  
__Where there is no more vengeance  
__And passions can come out to play  
__I dream about you in my heart  
__And in my soul, your there  
__With yellow, fearless, gleaming eyes  
__And waves of amethyst hair  
__Your footsteps lead me through the storm  
__That my own paws created  
__Oh, Lucied, I will come for you  
__Once our evil plans have been belated._

_Sincerely, That Thing That Just Saved Your Sorry Ass'_

The Guardian of Desire blinked once, then twice, then thrice after reading this letter before crumpling it up and throwing it away with a shiver. She was a common sufferer of Metrophobia. _'Damn Poetry! I'll swear I'll kill the bastard who sent me this!' _She thought as a sleek smile spread across her muzzle. Before screaming came to her erect ears.

She looked down at the man dressed in uniform with a duffle bag at his side curled up on the floor bellowing. " Will somebody PLEASE get him out of here!" She yelled.

* * *

Fengalon ran up to the group, right now gathered around Moor Gault's still body. " What'd I miss, what'd I miss?" He asked excitedly, panting heavily at the same time. 

" We think he's waking up." Celesdue whispered.

" What?!" Fengalon shouted over the noise of his own panting and Moor Gault shot awake.

The phoenix dragon yawned wide and rubbed his eyes with his fiery wings. " Huh? Was I asleep?" He yawned again. " Hey guys, what's going on?"

" Oh, were so glad your awake, Moor Gault! Isn't that right everybody?" Despite Schturdark's enthusiasm, only a few people muttered or grunted out what might be considered answers.

" Oh, yeah, yeah, it's great to have you back now and I was just…_ wiffle bat_!" Celesdue outburst suddenly, watching amused as Moor Gault shot back a few feet.

" Don't say that!" He hissed, cowering in fear.

" Oh, of course not…_ wiffle bat_!" Grudiev shouted and Moor Gault yelped.

" Yes, we were just about to… _wiffle bat, wiffle bat, wiffle bat_!" As Celesdue said each word rounds of laughter came from the Guardians at seeing Moor Gault try to dig a whole in the ground to hide in.

" Hey! Stop that now!" Fengalon ran up and put a comforting arm around his frightened friend. " You all should be ashamed of yourselves!" The laughter died down quickly and everyone looked downcast at the ground. " And I think everyone owes Moor Gault a… _wiffle bat_!" He let out a chuckle as the Guardian of Fire hoped back nearly a yard and cowered with his wings over his head.

" Enough fooling around, Guardians, let's get back to work and stop making fun of Moor Gault's Batoracakphobia" Celesdue said, getting down to serious business again.

" Is that even a real phobia?" Asgard asked quietly.

" Who said you could talk yet, hunk of metal?" She spat back as Asgard straightened up and gave a, " Yes, Master!" following the other Guardians to where Moor Gault was.

Fengalon lingered a bit behind and reached into his layers and layers of fur, finding what he was looking for that he had stuffed in hurriedly before. Checking to make sure none was looking, one giant white paw pulled the mask over his head. " Hehehe…" He giggled giddily before turning around and bolting after the others.

* * *

" All right! The Schroedinger's are finally out of the way, and they left without a hassle either!" Virginia smiled and clapped her hands together. 

" They shot me!" A cry caught the rest of the Maxwell Gangs ears.

" Stop being such a pussy, Clive." Jet said.

" Call an ambulance!" Clive shouted out.

" Quiet down, Clive! Now all we need to do is find Asgard again and that shouldn't be too hard after all!" She smiled. " Okay troops, move out!" She began to strut away with Gallows (_human _Gallows) and Jet following after.

" Tell Kaitlyn I love her!" Clive shouted, but got no response. " Oh shit." He muttered seating himself on the ground. " Join the club." Said the Sheriff of Little Twister, now just the guy who's name I can't remember and was too lazy to go to Little Twister and find out what it really was. He had recently turned in his badge swearing something about never drinking again.

" Who are you?" Clive asked.

" Let's just say I'm a man with a 'bout of Anemophobia" The former-Sheriff of Little Twister smiled as he spoke.

" What?"

" Never mind…" The former-Sheriff of Little Twister muttered, taking a seat to the left of Clive on the log.

And so, my severe Sinistrophobia shall cut this chapter horribly short.


	7. Moor Gault's Salutationary Gahooliday!

Disclaimer: I do not own Wild Arms 3, but I asked for it for the Holidays… I'm still waiting for the response from Media Vision/Sony. Sorry I haven't updated in… a month… I've had Writer's Block and then wrote an essay on Writer's Block and that was pretty humorous… I've also been working on my super-long-extra-special update, but debating on weather or not I should do one long one, or two shorter-more coherent ones. Smashing them together has created a fourth dimension in my basement and it keeps trying to eat my hand. And with that, I wish all my wonderful reviewers a salutationary Gahooliday!

* * *

The ground was a crisp, golden brown as usual, just because it was the holiday season wouldn't change that. And seeing as how Filgaia is an inanimate life form until dream demons come and manage to prove the Filgaia Theory correct, until then though, it is inanimate and has no emotions, partially contributing to the fact that it has not showed any holiday snow in the past ten years or so, making it a very dull and brown day.

A splotch of strangely arranged colors managed to peak from the horizon, and stood contrast to the ever consuming brown. Yes, it was a time of peace on Filgaia, a time of celebration for all and for the boundaries separating everyone to come down to promote unity and welfare for all…

" Erm… Why are we all here together?" Celesdue was the first to ask, breaking the long and awkward silence after being set apart from each other during most of the chapters.

" It's Christmas, I guess that means the lines aren't allowed to divide us." Clive hypothesized and pushed his glasses up his nose a bit.

" It's not Christmas, it's Gahooladay!" Moor Gault jumped and shouted, with much more enthusiasm then normal. In fact, just any enthusiasm at all was pretty amazing. Enthusiasm being a pretty amazing word not used too often anywhere.

" Merry Gahooladay? That's pretty crappy." Jet said disdainfully.

" Its Salutationary Gahooladay." Moor Gault defended proudly, such a wonderful holiday said in _blasphemy_?

" Sounds like a Webster's Dictionary and Charlotte's Web got in a car crash." Celesdue summed up rightly.

" What about Hanukah? I like Hanukah." Chapapanga felt it necessary to intrude his opinion on the matter.

" What's Hanukah?" Schturdark asked innocently.

" It's when we light the candle's of a menorah in remembrance of—" He began, but was soon cut off by the wave of a blue flipper.

" Never mind, I shouldn't have asked." She sighed and went back to her silent streak.

" What about Kwanzaa?" Grudiev added in.

" Kwanzaa? What the hell is Kwanzaa?" Jet asked confusedly, managed to suppress a curse word and instead replacing it with a more casual curse word. Go holiday spirit.

" It's a time where we all celebrate our African heritage." Guridev explained as carefully and as rightly as he could.

" What the hell is Africa?" Jet pressed.

" How should I know?! It was just a suggestion." The giant lizard barked back and hunched grumpily in a nonexistent corner.

" We don't need suggestions, we have a holiday to celebrate _us_ now." Moor Gault tried to continue to express the magical joy of Gahooliday.

" Gahooladay? It sounds like the anti-Christ of Holidays!" Virginia couldn't help but object.

" What would you know about it?" The Fire Guardian huffed.

" A lot, actually. I have already created a better holiday." Mrs. Maxwell said returned with a sense of filling pride in her chest.

" Oh Guardians, not this again…" Jet moaned, her endless ranting usually lasted until Armageddon or the Apocalypse.

" It is called 'Small Mammal Day', it is the day we celebrate our small mammals." She said with a loud voice for all to hear.

" Hehehehehe." The lazy priest beside her giggled in hopeless perversion.

" Shut up, Gallows. We need to take time to cherish the small furry creatures just south of us…" She tried to carry on, but was soon subject to a loud round of uncontrollable laughter.

" BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" The priest continued as he rolled in the brown dirt, catching breaths in between bellows of laughter.

" I said shut it up, Gallows!" Virginia shouted

" Wow, I will never let you name my child." Clive felt obligated to say, mainly as to not hurt her feelings later when—and if he even did—have another child she chose a name that sounded more like a beanie baby then an actual proper title for anything living, inanimate, or dead an rotting.

" It's not that bad! It's interesting, it's neat, it's simple, and it's—" She tried to save her idea, but was soon chopped short by a sarcastic voice.

" Groundhog's Day?" Jet rolled his eyes and said.

" No thank you, I just watched that movie last February." Virginia replied, having felt no need to watch the movie again, having caught onto the plot line very quickly and having developed a fear of repetitious days.

" Listen, with enough marketing ploys, songs, gifts, and publicity, we can really make Gahooliday an actually holiday for those who believe in the Guardians!" Moor Gault tried yet again to get the others to support his holiday.

" What would that be, about, oh, 10 of the population." Lucied said with sarcasm dripping from her tongue.

" Shut up, I believe that we can do it!" He felt the fires that lined his body burst up in hope.

" Since when were you Mister I-Believe-In-A-Non-Monarchy?" Celesdue interjected, recalling a time when they were simply his disposable minions.

" Since Schturdark gave me some eggnog! And some more eggnog, and some more… And some more…" He trailed off slightly.

" Eew, who would eat eggs?" Gallows questioned, not feeling the slightest need to eat baby birds unless he was a kitty-cat. Meow.

" Anyone who knew it was actually alcoholic." Justine mumbled from beneath his plates of heavy armor.

" …And then there was a period of time when I can't remember anything…" Moor Gault rambled on.

" Whatever, I don't give a woot about the holidays. But while I'm hear and alive and not-literally kicking, I might as well ask you all what you are planning against me." Lucied glared at the other Guardians, feeling a mix between paranoia and the sudden urge to go to Canada. It's nice up there; no one tries to kill each other senselessly.

" Uh, well, yes… _that_… Well, you see… Justine dies next chapter!" The red dragon exclaimed, turning the blame from him and his vengeful plotting.

" I _what_?! Why was I not informed?!" Justine wailed angrily.

" Because, that would be a spoiler and if we spoil the next chapter then no one will want to read it anymore." Celesdue used her super-powered brain to say logically.

" But I don't want to die! I don't want to die! I don't want to!!! Help meeeeeeeeeee!"

" Don't be so melodramatic, Justine. There have been worse ways to die then in your future death." The floating head of Dan Dariam said. " I am the ghost from Christmas Past and I've come to—"

" But you didn't die on Christmas, you died about a month and a half ago." Fengalon said, remembering when the cat's spontaneously decapitated head lay in his white paws.

" It's Gahooliday, dammit!" Moor Gault sustained relentlessly.

" NONE OF THIS KNOWLEDGE SHALL HELP YOU ESCAPE THE PAST!" Dan Dairam moaned in a tragic voice as all around him quivered in fear. " Now enter the past with a knowledge of what has been!"

They all waited in silence as Dan Dairam pointed towards the sky with his little ghost nose and awaited the sound of thunder… The sound of clattering hooves… The sound of crickets chirping… The sound of _anything_…

" Uh, Ghost-guy, we don't have any cut-scenes, remember?" Jet reminded the dead Dan Dairam who, in response, lowered his head a bit to stare at the brown ground. " Then where am I supposed to stay for Christmas…?" He said dejectedly.

" It's Gahooooooliday!" Moor Gault yowled.

" Whatever… I guess I am to go back to Solus Emsu and her parties up in heaven… But I'll be home for the Holidays, if only in my dreeeeeeeams!" Dan Dairam preceded to sing in a shrieking voice as an idea snapped into place in Moor Gault's brain.

" We need a few chorales to get everyone excited about Gahooliday. We need to try and make people understand what a wonderful and fun day it is for everyone!" He said with glee. Schturdark was up to the task and took a step forward.

_" Its time for Gahooliday ever one Its time for laughs and time for fun_  
_Its time to jump around and cheer  
__Because Gahooliday is finally here  
__It's a day when everything is cool and neat  
__When people are nice and toys are sweet  
__So come and down and we'll all say,  
_'_Have a salutationary Gahooliday!'"_

Schturdark stopped her melodic melodies and looked around to see if anyone was happy with her new jingle of Gahooliday.

" But, where are we in that song?" Chapapanga asked.

" Yeah, Gahooliday is about us, it's not about neat things and sweet toys and wishing _other _people a happy Gahooliday, it's to celebrate all the things we have done for Filgaia…" Celesdue said with holiday cheer.

" But that would completely miss the reason for the entire holiday season!" Schturdark said, looking less cheerful instead.

" Look, I don't know if we have time to create a new rhyme, so it's up, up and away to spread Gahooliday!" Moor Gault proclaimed as everybody exclaimed in joy and in cheer, because Gahooliday was near!

So they picked up whatever crap that they needed and made sure to where only clothes that were heated, until they found out that clothes weren't required because Guardians didn't have anything to be… _admired_. And then with a jump and then with a shout, they all went out to spread Gahooliday and what it's about.

Unfortunately for all the readers out there, some with smiles and other's with wild back hair, we cannot have cut-scenes to divide between the scenes, so I will try to make the long journey seem shorter by any means.

And so with a gallop, a jolt, and a prance, they all went to around to tell everyone to dance. The journey was long, and covered in trails and I think somebody died when they got to around seventy miles. But never the less, with a giggle and jeer, they pursued their cause, to spread Gahooliday cheer.

" Why do we sound like a bunch of pansies in this section?" Jet asked, until I reminded him that he was just a robot and should be used for high-school dissection. That shut him up, and maybe for good… I'm kind of afraid now he will do something bad, after all, he _could_.

And so after many ages of traveling around, what was only hours traveled at the speed of sound, they all sat down for a few minutes of rest, with a head full of joy and a warmth in their breast. It was almost the hour—the minute, the second—when Filgaia would jump for joy as the bright morning beckoned.

They listened with hands that were clasped round their ears; they listened for hope and for joy and for cheers. It's strange though, because Jet is nowhere to be seen… Oh dear mother Guardians, I hope that doesn't mean what it does mean!

But as the sun sidled on the horizon and peeked from the brown, a very, very, different song came from the towns. A song that seemed to attack the ones listening far away, a song that was the exact opposite of Gahooliday…

It was _that _song. This wasn't a good sign… They were all singing Joy To The World at the same time.

_"Jeremiah was a bullfrog, he was good friend of mine  
__I never understood a single word he said  
But I helped him drink his whine  
He always had some mighty fine wine  
Sing it Joy to the world...  
All the boys and girls now,  
Joy to the fishies in the deep blue sea  
And joy to you and me."_

" What the hell is this?!" The force of Moor Gault's voice made them all cower. " After traveling around and _prancing _for an hour all we've got now is our Guardians-awful timing, and a stupid-ass narrator who CAN'T STOP HER RYHMING!" Moor Gault then bellowed and screeched and then shrieked and—

" No, no more holiday cheer! I'm going down there and barbequing every single one of those wine popping buggers!" But Moor Gault was soon held back by an arm made of metal, and there was Justine, who shone like a kettle.

" Couldn't you find something cooler to compare me to then a kettle?" Justine whined like a little schoolgirl, whose pretty white eyes shined like a pearl.

" If we could get back to the theme for a second!" Virginia shouted. She was probably having P.M.S., everyone reckoned. " The fact is we tried and we did our damn best! And that's what really matters, that's what the holiday season is all about! You should be ashamed of yourselves for thinking that it was anything more or less then a day of caring, loving, and friendship."

Moor Gault looked down, with shame in his eyes, and then looked at Lucied, who he was supposed to despise. In a bit of pure malice—or perhaps holiday cheer—he put a wing around her neck and his head then began to clear.

" Maybe it's just the eggnog, or maybe to the man who gave me that free beer, but I think it's time to have some Gahooliday cheer." Moor Gault then proceeded to stumble around before falling faintly, and gently to the ground. " Nope, it was definitely the beer."

And so Lucied and Chappy, Justine and Schturdark, Virginia and Gallows, Clive and… Uh… Linkin… Park? Zephyr, the practically always not there, and Fengalon, fluffy, with clumps of white hair, an unconscious Moor Gault, mouth oozing with bile, Celesdue and Chappy all gathered in one big pile.

" Ugh." Said the Jet, coming up to see the rest, his hair was disheveled and his clothes were a mess.

" What happened to you?" Virginia asked with concern, and she was almost getting ready to mourn.

" This guy gave me a free beer and then a blacked out, I kind of feel like I'm missing something though… Possibly a liver or lung…" Jet said and they all then laughed with a cheer, triggered by the thought of Jet taking a drugged-up beer.

" No guys, I'm serious. I think I may not have long to live, we need to get to a hospital or something." He continued to speak, as giggles and chortles continued to leak. But, what comes around goes, as everyone knows and Clive was quiet content, and avenged to some extent for the scar that lay across his arm—The literal one, recollecting when it came into harm.

" I guess this is what it means to be here all together on the holidays." Said Lucied.

" Indeed." Clive replied.

" Whatever." Said Jet.

" I love you all." Grudiev lied.

" Let us give thanks!" Zepyhr shouted.

" Let us be happy!" Schturdark decreed.

" Let's kiss!" Fengalon romanced.

" Let's open presents!" Gallows said with greed.

" It is a time for remembrance." Floating head Dan Dairam then said.

" It is time for caring!" Virginia embraced.

" It it's a time for loving!" Celesdue said, which may or may not the case.

" It is a time for all of the things said above!" Justine's armor clanked as he gave Linkin Park a bear hug.

" Ummm… We'll be leaving now…" Mike then said a bit uneasy.

" Whatever, you back-stabbing, Jay-Z, bastards." Justine's hard words would make anyone queasy.

Virginia stepped up and she said with as much holiday spirit as she may, " But I think we need to remember what we all need to say… Have a happy New Year and a great Small Mammal Day!"

Everyone shook their heads in disapproval as Mrs. Maxwell stepped down; arms were crossed and on her face sat a frown.

" Salutationary Gahooliday…" Moor Gault mumbled, weather in his dreams or with knowledge of what he said; now all you little readers can climb into bed.

So prance and dance, and cheer and jeer, so sing a song that will last all next year, because tomorrow is another day, just one out of many, of more purple wolves and Princess Bride parody.

And as you go about, on your little jolly way, remember the (once again) unconscious Moor Gault's parting words:

" A little higher, baby. I love you, so much—"

Uhhh… Yup, Salutationary Gahooliday!


	8. Chapapanga's Bad Luck

Disclaimer: I do not own Wild Arms 3 and at this point I highly doubt I ever will. Back to my ordinary response time: Oh, Katfay, you read my story, I see, I appreciate the review a whole bunch! Luna-Starr, I like your penname, and thanks for reading the story and enjoying it! Gallows' Stalker… If you were a puffin I would enslave you in my closet and hold you there. (Erm, that was a compliment. It means thank you in maniacal stalker) TetsuoTsubushi, your mind is on the same track as mine, so I suggest you turn your train around before we crash and take a thousand people with us. Teefa and Co, I like your new penname, and thank you for the review—my sympathy goes out to you and my laughs extend towards your Chorus Teacher's song choice. And the great KillerChicken, thanks for reviewing and you may not throw your cats anywhere. Enjoy this seemingly pointless and random chapter!

* * *

" Come on, Asgard, say it." 

" Do I have to?"

" Yes, now say it!"

" I am angst-bot, hear me sigh." Asgard said dejectedly, often longing to pull out its boredom unit before wondering why it even _had _a boredom unit. Asgard's pondering was soon cut off by another demand from the Merciless Queen.

" Now sigh at the end." Celesdue poked Asgard.

" I am angst-bot, hear me sigh, (sigh). Will that be all, Master?" Asgard said, secretly praying that there wasn't. This was worse then the time that Melody had programmed it to attack Malik whenever he got annoying.

" Yes, that is all Asgard." Celesdue said with approval while waving the giant metal figure away, probably to give another drink to Justine for the lion to wash down quickly.

" Maybe we should tell Asgard to hold up on those drinks…" Fengalon said a bit worriedly.

" Maybe you should tell your mother she's a hamster!" Justine shouted angrily over to the big white tiger whose eyes shifted shiftily. " Who said I had a mother…?" Moor Gault, however, was busy with other less confusing and random matters at hand. He was currently counting the number of comrades—though he was at the point where 'minions' sounded better in his head—with his claws. " Celesdue, Fengalon, Schturdark, Grudiev, Chapapanga, Zephyr and Dan Dairam…" He slowly counted aloud.

" Actually, Dan Dairam has spontaneously decapitated while you were unconscious." Celesdue added in.

" Anything else go on while I was gone?" Moor Gault asked with a slight groan.

"I won 200 thousand gella at a casino." Chapapanga added in happily.

" What happened to it?"

" I bet Grudiev 200,000 gella that he could jump off a 50 ft. cliff and live."

" Oh no, don't tell me…"

" Yup, he lost big time!"

" Then what happened to the gella!"

" I bet the horse that she couldn't eat 20 mini carrots in a row…"Chapapanga blushed as he spoke and gave a sharp squeal as the Guardian before him burst into angry flames.

" MUST I BE SURROUNDED BY INCOMPETENT EXCUSES FOR LIVING, BREATHING TISSUE!" Moor Gault bellowed and Chapapanga coughed a little. " If you want to, we can steal the money back from the horse, come on, she's a horse! What's she going to do with it? Put it all in her will?"

A load bellowing neigh was heard before a muffled 'thud' caused a little of the ground to vibrate. A few feet away, a pure white stallion with an ivory mane and a loose saddle round her back lay on the Filgaian ground, pulsating with a strange green aura. The horse was as dead as a dog. Or a horse, or a dog that was as fat as a horse partly contributing to the reason it died. The point being that the horse was absolutely dead to our current knowledge.

" Don't worry, she's only mostly dead!" Schturdark managed to run to the horse and check.

" Mostly dead? Can we still save her?"

" It will take a miracle…" Her words trailed of as the almost-dead horse's almost rotting corpse pulsated a bit more before exploding in a mass of pink entrails and red speckles of blood. " Never mind!" Shcturdark shouted while wiping a chunk of gallbladder off of her face with a flipper.

" Ugh… We've lost our money to a dead exploding horse carcass and now we need a new crazy plot scheme to fight Desire, so I'm open for suggestion if anyone's willing to try. If anyone's not willing to try, then we will assist Grudiev in a trip to the nearest medical facility in the area." Moor Gault, not noticing anyone bursting out with ideas or any coherent thoughts at all, decided it was probably best to escort the internally bleeding and bruised Grudiev lying unconscious at the bottom of a 50 ft. cliff.

* * *

" Now that that's done with," Moor Gault spoke while clapping his wings together after walking out from an inn located in Claiborne. " It's time to go to the stables to see if we can refund the horse. You still carrying it, Chappy?" No response came from the little munchkin elf thingy underneath the mass of broken blood vessels and tissue that was smoldering in it's own decay (a.k.a. The former mostly dead horse) until a small sound came from underneath that sounded something like, " Does it look like I'm still carrying it, you hippopotamic land mass!" 

" Good. Oh, hey Pike! How are you today?" Moor Gault strode up to the green-haired man and put a wing around his back.

" Oh my Guardians! Cecilia, what have they done to you!" Pike yelled as he watched the mass of horse twitch slightly.

" That…? Oh, that's nothing. Say, Pike old chap, do you take exchanges?" He pressed.

" Oh my… What have you done to her!" The enraged teen spat as the Guardians looked down bashfully.

" Oh that… Well, you see, funny story really… The R.O.U.S. got her…" Celesdue spoke quickly.

" Ridiculous Opaque Unicorn Snipers? I don't think they exist." Pike said simply.

" Well, it's a long story… Let me explain, no, that takes too long—let me summarize, we were walking through the fields one days and this bullet flies out of nowhere and it explodes 'Cecilia' and we see a Unicorn that isn't clear and is acting ridiculous, so we chase it for four score and seven years until it caught Moor Gault and held him at ransom so we went on a crazy adventure to go save him when all of a sudden this dream demon comes and it turns out she's been manipulating everyone and so we run after her until we remember that we left Moor Gault behind so I go back and kick some major ass before going and kicking some major dream demon ass and then we all go and try to save 'Cecilia', but it's too late already."

" None of that happened did it?"

" …No, except for that part where we chase the Unicorns for four score and seven years."

" That was a dream, wasn't it?"

" …Yes…" Celesdue whispered dejectedly before leaving the rest for Moor Gault to figure out.

" Listen up!" The red dragon spat with fury. " I want to talk to your manager and/or co-workers right now because this horse isn't getting any fresher and less revolting!"

" Swash da mashter 'ere?" A man wobbled out of the stable house nearby and presented himself to the band of Guardians with dignity and pride. " Shwell? Swhash shall da druble?" Schturdark let out a little giggle at the short man's accent and he wobbled over to her. " Swhash da mashter, yoush big shturtle! Gosht a proshblem wit mesh!"

" No… it's just (giggle)… You're wearing such a cute little tuxedo and while you look so cute when you speak and eat fish at the same time (heheheheheh)!" Schturdark was close to bursting out laughing while Celesdue took another look at the 'man'.

" He's a penguin!" She came to revelation as she took a closer look at the penguin that was currently trying to eat a fish and retaliate against that last comment by waving his fat little penguin arms.

" Ish amsh nosh a pengshuin! Ish a—" The penguin thing took a big gulp and finished swallowing the fish in final slurping sound. " Excuse me, I am a creature by the name of 'Damien." 'Damien' said with a swell of his plushy chest.

" Oh… Well then, what happened to the other guy that used to run the stable? The guy that first sold us those horses?" Celesdue asked curiously.

" He ate him!" Pike wailed and pointed an accusing finger at Damien.

" Nonsense, human flesh gives me a sneeze." He said and stood a few minutes proudly until a sneeze erupted from his nose.

" See! He ate the man who used to work here!" Pike exclaimed.

" What do you know? You don't even know his name!" Damien retorted.

" Nobody knows his name! It's the unwritten law of the NPC!" Zephyr added in, feeling a little left out after not being mentioned once in the entire story.

" I also know that evil penguins have been eating NPC's around Filgaia for the past month and that you are their tyrant king!" Pike said.

" When, green-wad?"

" Just yesterday you said 'I am the evil penguin tyrant king'."

" You have nothing on me." Damien said flatly before turning back to the Guardians who were a bit dazed and confused at the current moment. " I believe a few hours before your horse's mostly death and complete death, she deposited a hefty amount of gella into her will. Around 199,999 I presume. Come and we will read it out in the stable."

* * *

All the Guardians, horses, Pike's and not-evil penguin tyrants were sitting on the hay inside the stable, anxiously awaiting the reading of Cecilia's will. 

" Fellow peoples who are here today to witness the reading of my will, if you are listening I am obviously not here anymore. I may be on a vacation to Hawaii, or dead, or possibly in your subconscious—but I am definitely not here right now." Damien cleared his throat a bit before continuing. " This is how my new and revised will reads—

1. I give my morning food collection to Aunt Susanna

2. I leave my brush and/or Diobarg scale comb to Pike

3. I send my 199,999 gella to the other horses

4. And finally, I give my best wishes to Malik on that whole clone mother thing."

There were a few seconds of complete and utter silence before Moor Gault shot an accusing glare at Chapapanga. " What's the horse going to do? Put it in her will!" The strain in the dragon's voice was enough to wash a bowl of spaghetti.

" Actually, I said it more like—" But Chappy was soon cut off by another outburst.

" I don't care what you said it like! We have no money and evil penguins are eating all the NPC's in Filgaia, who knows where Lucied is and I haven't seen Justine in the past five hours! I AM IN A SHIT-TACULAR MOOD AND I WANT TO MURDER SOMEONE!" Moor Gault screamed.

" Good, because there are still fresh NPC's to kill." Damien butted in the conversation after he was done putting away the will and handing the money out to the horses who went back to their stalls to figure out what a horse is supposed to do with 199,999 gella.

" I knew it!" Pike shouted in glory as Damien waved it off with a flipper. " Yeah, yeah, great job Sherlock, but you can't do anything to stop us before we've eaten all the NPC's in the world and the evil penguins rule supreme."

" Then the NPC's will rise up to stop you!" Pike said in an act of defiance as the two beings glared down at one another with stares that would make Ge Ramtos feel insignificant.

" … Right… Well, ahem… I think we'll just be… Taking our leave now…" Moor Gault coughed as he edged towards the doorway leading out of the stable before bolting for his bloody life, the other Guardians followed suit.

The battle between NPC and Evil Penguin was about to begin…

But not right now…

Maybe tomorrow, or maybe the next day, maybe never… But it will happen… I swear on the grave of my father Domingo Montoya, the battle will come.

* * *

" Justine… Justine… Hellooooooooo in there…" Fengalon waved a paw in front of Justine's faced, watching bemusedly as he swatted it away. 

" Leave me alone, you overstuffed piece of muffin pie!" Justine growled.

" Somebody's cranky today! Just how many drinks have you had since we left?" Fengalon questioned the Guardian of Courage.

" Being a lion whose tolerance is above a normal human beings and being a Guardian who is known for his Courage to take a risk at getting Alcohol Poisoning… I'd say he'd have had at least 50." Celesdue calculated before Asgard chimed in with a more correct amount.

" He's had approximately 549.2 drinks in the pastfive hours that you have not been present." The Invincible Fortress proclaimed.

" How can someone have 549.2 drinks?" Moor Gault asked, seeing no almost finished glasses in sight.

" He drank 2/10 of it then threw the rest at me." Asgard said with a sigh. Schturdark gave Asgard a sympathetic pat on the back as Moor Gault tried to reason things out. " I think one of us should talk to Justine a bit." He said with concern edging his voice.

" I don't think it's much use talking to someone who has had 549.2 drinks and keeps referring to the word 'muffin', the deadliest of all breakfast products." Asgard reasoned.

" Well then, we can at least find out if he's a friendly drunks, an angry drunk, or a seductive drunk." Celesdue said back eyeing every Guardian there as each one shrank down to the task.

" Hey, I've got an idea." Moor Gault said, putting a friendly arm around Chapapanga.

* * *

" So… Do you enjoy punching things?" 

" What kind of things?"

" Oh, you know… Punching bags, burritos, swordfish, other people…"

" Sometimes, do you?"

" No! Never! Punching people… Now that's—that's just mean and irresponsible and, please don't hurt me as I ask you another question."

" Shoot."

" Erm, okay then," Chapapanga flipped through the notes they had given him on what to ask the currently intoxicated Justine. " Do you enjoy party hats, taco's, and inflatable chairs?"

" To a certain extent."

" Okay, next question. Do you enjoy talking creatures of a female gender into bed?"

" No."

" What about… men…?" ' Awkward…' Chapapanga flinched as he thought that.

" Maybe… You coming on to me munchkin, our else I'll have to kick your ass—" Justine growled as Chapapanga's thoughts raced to escape. ' Oh Giant Gerbil in the Sky, mean drunk, mean drunk!'

"—Right after we play Twister and Dance Dance Revolution…" Chapapanga calmed down at hearing Justine's words. ' Friendly drunk!'

"—But not before I hit up on some people!" Justine put an armored arm around Chapapanga, who cringed visibly. ' Seductive drunk…'

" One more question, if I were to tell you that I was going to make you go to a 'special' meeting, would you disembowel me?"

" Yes, but not before neutering you and stringing your intestines around my head like a hat." Justine said with a grin and a pat on the little Luck's back before standing up and falling back down again. " So… Is this really about the questions, or am I really right at thinking what I'm thinking right now?"

" It all depends, are you thinking of running for your life in terror?"

" No, I'm thinking of eating muffins and getting a hair cut while Asgard gives me another drink. ASGARD!" Justine shouted as the little man next to him flinched again. Asgard waddled over in dismay. " Yes, Master?"

" Can I have another rainbow cup?"

" I'm sorry, Master, but such things have yet to exist in this current dimension."

" What would you know you muffin munching crypto maniac!" Chapapanga looked in a mix between fascination and horror as Asgard's normally metallic brown face turned a deep shade of red and it's face contorted in anger.

" I think I will just be leaving now…" The caped munchkin scratched the back of his hooded head as he spoke aloud, edging away from the scene.

" You, Master, are thrice as annoying as you appear to be!"

" You—You flying, talking, squirrel—are cubed that times infinity!"

" What you said wasn't even logical!"

" Your mama isn't logical!"

" I have no biological parents!"

" Your parents have no biological parents!"

" As much as I love hearing Justine shout incoherent sentences at a high volume, this has to stop!" Chapapanga spoke up for himself, stepping in between the two fuming beasts.

" You forgot me during the holiday special, you stupid lion!"

" Don't blame me for the author's mistake, you sadistic robot!"

" Ummm… Guy's…"

" Die, you evil excuse for an excuse!"

" No, you die you… you!"

" WOULD YOU BOTH JUST SHUT THE - BLEEP- UP!"

Asgard and Justine stopped their seemingly endless tirade to let out a surprised gasp.

" Your not allowed to utter the 'one dash then a B' word in a PG-13 story!" Asgard whispered.

" And your not allowed to come back to life from nothingness to fight with the Guardian of Courage, but you don't see ME complaining!" Chapapanga retorted before calming down and resuming his adorable, 'who-knows-what-the-hell-that-thing-is-it's-short-and-cute' look, straightening his hat and goggles in the process. " We need to calm down and work together if we ever hope to fulfill our ultimate goal."

" What IS our ultimate goal, again?" Justine asked.

" I don't know, I've forgotten—But that's not the point, guys. We all banded together to prove something to the world—to show them that we aren't some kind of comical relief that can be used only when the time is right, no, we are Guardians and need to be treated with the respect we deserve… Or we banded together to dominate the world or something, I really can't remember." As Asgard was about to remind the forgetful and somewhat idiotic two, a giant bomb flew past the metal-man and straight at the large lion.

In an explosion of fur, cheap armor and bits and pieces of gallbladder splattered over the surrounding area. Schturdark rushed past a stunned and scarred for life Chapapanga—who's mouth was opened wide and face was splattered in blood—over to the scattered remains of what used to be the Guardian of Courage.

" Don't worry, he's only mostly dead!" She yelled back to the rest, who had come out of hiding behind the rocks.

" Mostly dead? Can we still save her?"

" It will take a miracle…" Schturdark's words wondered off as the bits and pieces of Justine suddenly combusted into flames.

" Never mind!" She shouted as the other Guardians let out a disheartened sigh.

" Well, this has been a total waste of nearly a month of sitting around doing nothing at all, we should have gotten Lucied by now!" Moor Gault went back into a fit of anger as Chapapanga snapped his fingers. " So THAT'S what we were doing!"

Moor Gault shook his head and looked down at the crimson splattered ground. " Does this even make any sense? Where did that bomb come from!" He looked around at all of the Guardians one by one before finding one he couldn't recall meeting before.

" Who the hell are you?" He walked up and jabbed a wing in the entity's stomach.

" I am Denogenos, Guardian of the Summit, here to reclaim my starlight and attention from you." The giant brown dinosaur spoke with a booming voice, holding a bazooka in one hand and a daisy in the other.

" You poor, unfortunate soul… So misguided in your evil divining and plots of revenge, do you not see that we are Guardians like yourself? Just because we are more popular and more recognized and a lot more attractive and don't hold flowers doesn't mean that you aren't special. You are special in someone's heart, you just need to wait for that person to come and make other's realize how important you are to the fabric of Filgaia." Moor Gault said with wisdom as Denogenos nearly broke down into tears.

" You really think so?" The dinosaur asked with a sniff.

" No. Now get the hell out of my story." Moor Gault growled as Denogenos straightened itself up and returned to the loud, bellowing voice.

" Mark my words, Fire Deity, you will rue the day you misunderestimated me!"

" And the English language will rue the day it gave you the power of speech. Yeah, yeah, now get out of here before I think of something sinister to do to you, something that involves that daisy and a jug of gasoline." Denogenos gave a final growl before waddling off and muttering sweet obscenities to itself.

Moor Gault waited until the Guardian of Summit was finally gone before voicing his opinion on the matter. " Jeez, what an idiot. Why would anybody want to kill another Guardian for 'starlight and attention'?"

And they all sat in an ironic silence until the next update.

* * *

" We're falling out of the story again, you guys!" Virginia pressed as she watched, with her binoculars, the events unfolding beyond the gray line. 

" What story? There IS no story left, it's just random nonsense!" Jet responded.

" Aw, looks like somebody's still grumpy about that whole spiked beer thing." Gallows poked Jet who scowled in agitation.

" I say we go back to trying to get that hat on Asgard, we kind of abandoned that idea rather fast." Clive deducted. Virginia pondered over this suggestion for a while in her head.

" No, it's not interesting enough to keep us in the story. Look at us; we're not even funny! We just sit around and watch people all day! A man who lives in a garage could do that and be more interesting than us! I man in a garage DOES do that and he's more interesting than us! We need something random and spontaneous to happen to us. We need a talking dog to come and tell us the future, we need a puffin to eat somebody close to us, we need a plane to crash land on Gallows and than explode." She ignored the 'hey!' in the background at her last comment and continued.

They all waited a while for something to happen, something possibly random and spontaneous.

After a few more seconds of waiting, Virginia caved.

" Give me that!" Virginia said, defeated, as she grabbed the hat from Clive's hands.


	9. Zephyr's Amazing Search Engine Skills

Disclaimer: I do not own Wild Arms 3 in any way, shape or form. I have a very good reason why I have not updated for the past four months. I was abducted… by aliens! … By pirate aliens! … By pirate aliens with super ninja powers! Yeah, there we go. I was abducted by pirate aliens with super ninja powers. It is totally… not made up. Anyway, this chapter gets pretty random and pointless and it is longer then the others because of a section of random pointlessness, because it is 3:09 frickin' am. I can guarantee you that I will not attempt GallowsxClive relations. Can you imagine how many loopholes I would have to create? And what about their children? THINK OF THE CHILDREN, DAMN YOU! You could skip it if you wanted to, but, if you do, I will hunt you down with my ninja skills that have been awakened by the abducting of the aliens! Who are my brethren! Ahhhh! I bet you weren't expecting that! Many thanks toJophiel (who left a review when no one else could... or particularly wanted to),TestouTsuboushi (who is not allowed to point out any more technicalities), Gallows' Stalker(who likes molestingrobots with cacti), and Teefa and Co. (whomade me aware of the fact that I even had Monty Python referance, I though they were all just Princess Bride quotes)for being awesome. I probably wouldn't have continued this story without you guys… or without hands. 

* * *

Moor Gault paced back and forth on the ground, using his brain to concoct evil schemes, and later throwing them out as he realized that they weren't diabolical enough. Yes, this was a time of big words and war; there were no bars to hold anymore. This was a time to go todos o nada. 

" That's it guys, we're going todos o nada." Moor Gault finally decided as he turned towards the rest of the group.

" Wonderful! I love it there! But I swear by the Mighty Gerbil from Above, if I find _one_ more roach in my taco…" Fengalon trailed off threateningly as Moor Gault shook his head, he was steadily gaining a crick in his neck from all the shaking of the head in a disapproving manner.

" No, 'all or nothing', we need to go all or nothing in this one. We need to jump up, go over to Lucied and do something evil."

" I think that's pretty open-ended. What if my perception of evil is very different from everyone else's? I may think evil includes the giving of flowers, or the consumption of chocolate, or the customary translation of Spanish phrases that are too stupid to use anyway." Celesdue said from her seat on the ground.

" Yes, we all know that your sense of evil is horribly, horribly warped, but that doesn't change a thing… Except… The things it changes… Damn! Now you all have me acting like an idiot! Listen, we need to finish this NOW, or by the Super Squirrel in the Sky—"

" Might Gerbil from Above!"

" –_Small Mammal in the Air_, we'll lose all our credibility, and I'll kill myself before I become like Jim Davis; mediocre and drawing obese orange cats every Sunday for the rest of my life! Let's move out, troops!" Moor Gault ordered, with more enthusiasm then ever before, and a little less the never before and pretty balanced with may or may not before.

" You know, he's right!" Schturdark jumped and said with less pizzazz then the more pizzazz that is necessary to get to the never before level of enthusiasm.

" Neh." Celesdue shrugged and said with a large amount of nonchalance, and a small amount of none chalance and a greater then normal amount of 'I-don't-care'.

" If I were a mustache I'd eat my own lips, just for kicks." Fengalon hummed, with a great amount of… Well, Fengalon.

" I have found a flaw in your 'todos o nada' plan… The flaw being that there is no plan." Zephyr pointed out dispiritedly, oblivious to the angry and potently hazardous homicidal look he received from the fire dragon standing dangerously close to Zephyr's head and a large, pointy object.

" Wait!" Celesdue cried before Moor Gault had enough time to connect the facts stated in the sentence above and do something drastic but, nonetheless, horribly amusing. " Zephyr's got a point! We have run out of ideas of how to get back Lucied! I mean, this goes deeper then just a few stupid, senseless, sugar high fan girls and boys writing about something that can occupy their short attention spans for more then five seconds—"

GENERAL SURGEON'S WARNING: If you are either faint of heart or incredibly sensitive to the incredibly insensitive truth, please leave the room, take a brisk walk around and proceed to shove this stick up your ear.

"—This goes into the very heart and soul of all controversy and cliché's, so we need to do something that will not only stop and humiliate the initial problem, but also stop future problems and scar Lucied deeply for a very long, long, long time." Celesdue finished and received strange looks for her efforts. Moor Gault gave a sigh and turned around, eyeing everyone suspiciously.

" All right, who let Celesdue into the drug cabinet again?"

* * *

" Are you sure this plan will work?" 

" Of course it will work; it worked on the Silver Backagundasauros."

" Silver Backagundasauros?"

" Poor thing never stood a chance…" Schturdark gave her head a small, regretful shake as Grudiev shoved his way into the pile of bodies, limbs, appendages, shells, fur, claws, teeth, eyes, and a milkshake.

" Wait, if this plan works, won't it also affect me in the long term?" Grudiev inquired as Fengalon waved his paw carelessly.

" Yeah, what's left to affect you? Have you _seen _the planet that you're _supposed _to be protecting lately?"

" Yes, and it's been re-growing quite nicely."

" Phesh, that's just a lie that they added at the end of the game that tied up all the loose ends and made the gamer happy so that they wouldn't question the very questionable loop holes, bad plot lines, unanswered issues and horrible lack of yoai possibilities."

" Nonsense! Why, Pike and Jet make an adorable couple!" Schturdark said, ignoring the giant green lizard that was attempting to heal a crushed spirit, hopes, future AND milkshake all at once.

" No they don't, that's just a lie that WolfbanesHybrid feeds herself so that she won't starve."

" Who's WolfbanesHybrid?" Schuturdark questioned as Fengalon scratched his head.

" I'm not sure, it's as if some unseen force forced me to say that name against my will, like someone had just summoned it up with a few movements of her long fingers and pressed a button to make me say something that I would normally never say or even consider. Could this be the power above us? Could this be the unforeseen force of destiny? Could this be a special edition Guardians of Filgaia Sim's game?" Fengalon looked up at the sky above as Moor Gault looked at the next victim of their deadly attack on Desire.

" Alright troops, get rid of your silly notions of there being someone who controls all our actions and gather up your courage, we're going in!" No further statements needed to be stated, as the remaining 7 Guardians charged at the small object directly ahead of them.

" I've got a leg!"

" I've got a head!"

" I've got an ear!"

" I've got an eye!"

" I've got a milkshake!"

Moor Gault untangled himself frustratingly from the ball of supernatural beings and, with a single clawed wing, dug out the target from beneath the chaotic mass. The little sprout wiggled slightly in his grip, the sapling's few leaves either helplessly crumbled or splattered with a liquid brown, and possibly delicious, substance. Moor Gault would later find this substance to be, as he had originally expected, dog food.

" This… isn't working." He mumbled to himself as he dropped the pathetic plant to the ground and looked onto the pile where they were still gnawing at one another pathetically. Somewhere along the line he heard a loud, " My eye!" rise from amidst the pile, but by then he was deep in contemplation.

" Okay, so the plan is to attack the wildlife, or normal habitat for a wolf or any other organism similar, and that will eventually cause Lucied to be homeless and, possibly, horribly saddened by the loss of all her wolf friends, but that isn't working because these people couldn't tell a tree from an—"

" My spleen!"

"—internal organ. So, what would these creatures possibly recognize that can be used against Lucied? The plan is good… But what would create the same effect, without the effort this will take? What can turn the whole of Filgaia off on this elusive enemy?" Moor Gault began to ponder in his own little world again as the mess behind him continued their rumble.

" My hard drive!"

This completely random outburst suddenly jolted Moor Gault's brain as he leaped with an idea. " We can give people rock cars!"

" My sense of comprehension!"

" No… Wait…" Celesdue made her way out of the pile of Guardians, dusting herself off and then straightening herself up before walking over to Moor Gault, who was still engaged in a vital conversation with himself.

" How about we give everyone on Filgaia computers? Once computers were created, nobody wanted do anything else but look at lesbian porn all day long." She reasoned, as the Guardian of Fire came to a definite conclusion.

" That's it! We can steal computers from Yggsdrasil and Leyline Observatory, and then distribute them to the citizens of Filgaia! It's genius, I tell you! Pure genius! And once everyone has computers, they will begin to ignore Filgaia and that will lead to a total disregard of nature and the eventual destruction of wolves and the complete and utter loneliness of Lucied!"

"My milkshake!"

"Are you talking to yourself, again?" Celesdue asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm announcing the plot for all to hear." Moor Gault defended.

"For who to hear? The large pile of scrambling, confused and potentially combustible creatures over there, or the people who you say are always looking at you through a thin glass window and reading the trials and tribulations of your life like a short story based on an already created plot and cast of colorful characters?"

"I swear, they're real!" The Fire Guardian moaned into the night sky.

"As real as Bob the happy homicidal clown was?"

"I thought we agreed to never mention that again." Moor Gault sighed. "Besides, this plan is sure to work!"

"My ability to interpret directions and follow through with a solid course of action!"

"Uhhh, but first, we should probably regroup."

"Damn it, would you STOP touching me there! You know who you are!" A voice shouted angrily from the pile and, if sweat drops weren't against the laws of physics and sexual harassment innuendo wasn't considered distasteful and/or not very funny to many people who aren't me, everyone would have sweat dropped.

* * *

"You ready, other Master?" 

"Ready Freddy."

"Who is Freddy? Is he someone I should know about?"

"No, it's nothing like that… I swear it's just a—"

"Are you _sure_?"

"Y-yes, of course I'm sure."

"Are you sure you're not lying to me?"

"No—I mean yes! I mean, it's nothing, it's just a saying."

"Oh, so it _that's _what they're calling it these days."

"ASGARD! Stop badgering the witness and get over here! We need to use you as a main power source!" Moor Gault barked as Asgard folded his arms in defiance. He was a rock. Well, not _literally. _Technically, he was an ancient golem, the impenetrable fortress and a combination of magic and programming, but rock makes much more sense to the metaphor. 'He was a rock' being a metaphor, not a simile because it does not contain the words 'like' or 'as' for comparison. Saying that he was a rock is saying that he is big, heavy, made of minerals and sometimes concrete with bits of shinny stuff that you are never sure what it really is in it, and that he was unmovable. Such metaphors as 'He was a rock' are often incorporated into literature and, more popular, poetry and songs. Such an example is the song 'I am a rock, I am an island' by Simon & Garfunkle, in which they compare a man to a rock and an island because a rock never cries and an island is all alone, this example being much more compelling then their later attempt at a different metaphor, 'I am a milkshake, I am a piece of paper', meaning that he was frosty and made from trees.

"I don't see why I always have to be the once who is always at the butt—"

"Hehehe, he said 'butt'!" Fengalon giggled and prodded Chapapanga in the ribs.

"—Of these pointless operations with _idiots_," Asgard pointed an accusing finger at the white tiger and continued. "Like _him_!"

"Now, now, no need to get your panties in a bunch." Moor Gault said, while trying to put a large plug into Asgard's head.

"That is the other thing I don't understand about you organic beings! What do you mean by saying things that aren't necessarily true? I wear no panties, and how do panties bunch? As far as my information drive is concerned, panties are not pack creatures; they prefer to live with their predominantly female hosts rather then as a group. Furthermore—Win a FREE PS2, just punch the drunken monkey with a picture of Lamium where its face should be!" A large cord being stuck in the back of his head, plugging him up to the 'information superhighway' interrupted Asgard's speech.

Moor Gault took a step back to admire his handiwork. The computer that was plugged into Asgard's head was connected and up and running, and the first person to test it was waiting patiently in his spinney chair, spinning carelessly until he grew dizzy, stumbled off into the distance, vomited, then sat back down on his spinney chair and began spinning again.

"Okay, Mr…" Moor Gault began.

"Oh, I don't have a last name." The person responded, scratching the back of his head. "You see, NPC's never get last name's because we aren't important enough to even remember our first names, so why privilege us with titles that we won't even need? Oh, and don't get me started with—AHHH! THE DAMN PENGUIN BIT ME!" Blood gushed onto the ground as a penguin gnawed at the leg, attempting to carry the person off.

"Eh, it either would have been him or me, and when I kill, it isn't for mercy." Moor Gault shrugged before getting back on track. "Bring out the next vic—I mean… Person!"

"What were you about to say?" The next person asked, as he was lead next to the computer.

"Nothing. I was going to say nothing."

"You were going to say 'victim', weren't you?"

"No, I was going to say nothing."

"Is that blood?"

"No."

"Are you sure? That looks like blood."

"It's ketchup."

"I think I hear screaming!"

"It's just your imagination. Now, if you wouldn't mind—"

"Dear heavens! Where is that penguin dragging that man off to?"

"Listen, it is a long story involving long situations that are long."

"I'm a very patient person."

"And you will soon be a very _dead_ person if you don't just sit down and cooperate!"

"Was that a threat? Are you threatening me?"

"No."

"Yes, yes you were! You just said that I would be a very dead person if I didn't do as you told me!"

"I actually said 'cooperate'—"

"Ha! There! There you have it! You so threatened me!"

"No I didn't!

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"Ha! You just said yes!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Ha! See! See! You just did it again!

"No I did not!"

"Yes you—AHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY LEG!" Person #2 screamed.

"I'm massaging it, you looked stiff." Fengalon defended himself.

"Oh, well, you're very good with your hands."

"Well, thank you! It is nice to know that _some _people appreciate my massages." He said, giving the evil eyes to Grudiev.

"Oh, come on! It felt like a bulldozer was feeling me up!" Grudiev protested as Person #2 crossed his arms.

"Well, if bulldozers felt like this, then they could feel me up any day."

"Awww… See? That is all I ask of you people—to tell me that when I give messages then bulldozers can feel you up. Is that so hard to ask?"

"WOULD ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP AND GET FOCUSED ON THE MISSION!" Moor Gault shouted, his frustration building to the point where it was no longer a building at all, but an alternate dimension constructed purely to contain his aggravation. Welcome to the M.G. zone. Doo-di-doo-doo, doo-di-doo-doo…

"I gave you a back massage, Moor Gault. I thought that meant more to you then this." Fengalon glared at his fiery friend accusingly, backing away with the other Guardians from the computer and Person #2.

"All right! We are ready to go!" Zephyr said happily as he double clicked the blue 'e' icon that led to the wonderful world of the Internet. Which, ironically, isn't that wonderful. It is actually more like our world, only more corrupt, confusing and dangerous to your vision if you stare at it for too long.

"Okay, first things first. You need to learn the three simple rules to traveling the net fast and fun." Zephyr began explaining, looking Person #2 directly in the eyes. "Rule #1: If it says FREE, don't click on it, it's all just a cruel lie. Rule #2: … Actually, I think that's about it." He realized, scratching his head with a claw before smiling the best he could with a large metal object around his head. "Very well then, let's try going somewhere."

"This," Zephyr continued his speech. "Is Foogle. Behold, it is your superior. It is your GOD. It can find up to a million web pages in under a second. It has no relation whatsoever to the site Google. Go ahead, type anything you want and then press enter."

Person #2 looked down at the keyboard and pecked out a few letters, then pressed 'enter' hesitantly.

"Okay, 'V-o-l-k-s', that's a start. Hey, you're Volks! Wow, dude, I totally didn't recognize you!"

"I have a crutch by my side and I'm wearing a red cape. My head is all bandaged up for some reason and there are several cats following me around."

"Hey, I've been alive for many a millennia, don't expect me to know every Tom and Harry that walks down the street."

"But we talked for _seven hours_ a week ago, I told you about how I lost my family in that unforgettable vinegar and baking soda accident. Why, just yesterday I was walking along and I bumped into you. You said, 'Hi Volks, my very memorable friend who I will never forget as long as I live and is not Tom and Harry, how was your day?' Then, we played the name game, but the rules said that you could only say my name, so we sat down and said Volks for two hours, sometimes you would add in 'Volks, the man who has a crutch, a red cape, a bandaged head and an army of cats trailing behind him.'"

This information suddenly sank into Celesdue's mind. "So _that's_ why we were sitting on the ground for all those hours starring at Zephyr impatiently. Jeez, I thought that we were just playing the starring game and the rules said that you could only stare at someone who was large, purple, wearing armor and had a big red organ in the middle of his chest."

Zephyr shook his head as if to shake demon monkeys from his mane and looked back at the screen. "Okay then, why don't you type in 'smartass who defies a deity with his fancy talk and long term memory'?"

Volks looked at the keyboard and began poking the letters, finishing and then clicking enter.

"I was being sarcastic, you moron."

"I wear banadges around my head and I talk to cats in my spare time. I'm not exactly what you might call the brightest crayon in Filgaia."

Zephyr sighed and then brightened. "Oh well, at least you're getting the hang of it! Type something else."

Some more looking and pecking ensued.

" 'A-R-M-s', that's better, keep going."

Clickity-clack-clack (I do my own sound effects).

" 'Why rocks are brown'. That's good! You've finally got the hang of it!"

Volks smiled to himself and kept on typing.

" 'Lesbian porn'…" Zephyr trailed off as he watched the man click enter. There was silence among the Guardians for a few seconds before Moor Gault spoke.

"All right, bring out the next human." He said, shoving Volks off the spinney chair.

"Those are the only humans we got." Celesdue said, pointing to the two foldable chairs with cards saying 'reserved' on them.

"What! I thought I told you to bring three!"

"No, you said bring a couple. A couple is two." Schturdark pointed out.

"I'm afraid the Master is right, other Master. A couple is two. Several is three. A baker's dozen is 13 and a plethora is a word that can be substituted for 'overabundance', 'many', or 'large amount'." Asgard said earnestly.

"I know what a plethora is."

"No you didn't, or else you would have said, 'bring a plethora of humans'. That would have made life a whole lot easier." Grudiev sided with the others.

"Just because I know a fancy word doesn't mean I should use it."

"It makes things a lot clearer."

"Yes, but for the people who don't know what those words mean, it makes things very confusing. I'm considerate to others feelings."

"Says the man who's managed to kill three people in the last twenty four hours."

"I killed them mercifully."

"You danced on their graves and then you spit in the funeral cupcakes!"

"But I did it out of grief."

"Why, just two days ago you tripped an old lady!"

"Listen, we can talk about who tripped who and who spat in whose funeral cupcakes, but that won't change a—AHHH! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ASGARD!" Moor Gault suddenly shouted as Asgard's head began to resemble a basketball in the fact that it was spinning rapidly and was turning orange with electric sparks. Otherwise, it didn't really resemble a basketball at all, which defeats the purpose of _saying _that it resembled a basketball in the first—

"What do we do! What do we do!" Moor Gault asked in a panic as Zephyr responded somberly.

"The only thing we can do in a situation like this: walk away very slowly and pretend we don't know him. It's the humane thing to do." Asgard's head then burst into flame and began melting the rest of his body.

"Okay then, walk away slowly we shall." And with that, they backed away slowly from the body, whistling to themselves, unaware's that the milkshake had witnessed the whole thing.

* * *

"Well, that certainly wasn't a disaster." Celesdue mumbled as they all found themselves in a very familiar position; mopping on the remains of the Blue Palace eating cheesecake. 

"I don't get it, what happened to Asgard?" Fengalon asked starry eyed as Zephyr took it upon himself to answer, him being the only one of the group who was intelligent in such areas and had a large red organ in the middle of his chest.

"It was probably a virus from one of the… Less appropriate sites that Volks Googled—"

"You mean _Froogled._" Schturdark corrected.

"Fine, but I'm just going to pay royalties after this." Zephyr said moodily, crossing his arms.

"I guess that that's the end of that chapter." Moor Gault said then exhaled a long breath. "Guess we should try and think of something else to try and get Lucied back. Who knows? Maybe our next plan will work and our adventures will come to a climatic finale."

"Not so fast!" A voice shouted from behind them as the Guardians turned their heads to see whom it was.

"Hahaha! We have finally gotten into your section of the story! Now where is Asgard?" Virginia demanded then looked around confusedly, not seeing a big metal man standing anywhere in the proximity. "Seriously, where'd he go?"

"Asgard? He combusted or something like that. We can take a message for you if he wants? Chances are one of us will be seeing him in heaven relatively soon." Fengalon said, pointing to the melted mass of metal off into the distance.

"Oh…" Virginia trailed off pathetically. "Then could one of you wear this hat?"

"There's a camera in that hat." Moor Gault pointed at the black protrusion sticking out of the yellow woven straw.

"Yes, there is, isn't there? Well, could you wear it anyway?" She asked hopefully.

"How'd you get here?" Moor Gault countered, remembering that she wasn't supposed to be here.

"Aha! I thought you would never ask! You see, I kissed Jet here," Virginia pointed at the furiously red drifter slouching next to her. "And, WAMMO! I was in."

"Oh, poor disillusioned human… Let me tell you something." Moor Gault said putting a friendly wing around the two humans that had wondered into his territory. "You all have so many people fawning over you since you are the main characters. Everyone has a favorite of your group of four; everybody has an idea what is going to happen next. But what about the rest of us? Penguins are eating the NPC's, and do you even notice? Do you try and save them from certain damnation? No, you stick cameras in hats and put them on people's heads. You are no better then Lucied is, for shame trying to take what little limelight we have."

Virginia looked at the ground in shame as Jet looked at the wing that was around his shoulder.

"What the hell just happened?" He asked as Virginia lifted away the Fire Guardian's wings.

"We've been outdone. Come; let us go back to our side. I'm sure Gallows and Clive are bored by now." She said, walking off into the distance with a confused Jet following behind. The Guardians watched them until they were out of sight.

"Hey, if the NPC's are still being eaten by penguins, why don't _we _do something to save them from certain damnation?" Schturdark asked and Moor Gault looked at her stunned.

"Because that takes too much time and effort, we've got bigger fish to fry!"

"A _plethora _of fish to fry?" Grudiev asked craftily.

"If you say that word one more time, I will shove a _plethora _of octopi up your—"

* * *

"They left us all alone to go _smooching_. Can you believe the nerve?" Gallows said angrily and Clive just shrugged. 

"They _are _the most obvious relationship between the four of us. They practically scream 'make us have a bazillion children together and then make something tragic happen where one of us dies and then the other has to cope with the lose the only way they know how; by getting revenge on the rock which tripped her and caused her to fall off a cliff' or something like that."

"What about us? Don't we have a shot at relationships that practically scream 'make us have millions of children together and then make something strategic happen when one of us happens to fall over a vengeful rock and then die and then fall of a cliff as a her'?" Gallows asked, looking at the starry afternoon sky.

"Uhhh, that's not exactly what I said, but I am married, so I guess that counts. It means that I have no other obvious romantic possibilities and that I couldn't be paired with someone like you, who is obviously attracted to woman."

"Really? No one's considered that? Not even once?" The Baskar sounded shocked at the notion.

"No, I can imagine it would be very good though really. Our muscular manly bodies rubbing together in ecstasy and passion, sweating and moaning in a pile of heated lust. We would kiss once, then part, only to pull together again, neither of us wanting to part from one another's warmth and security. I would lay against your muscular chest and want to live there, likewise, you would stroke my lean body and then it would repeat itself over and over again, just two men's tongues locking in—"

"I THOUGHT YOU MEANT PLATONICALLY!" Gallows shouted mortified by what he had just heard as Clive sighed dreamily. "NO! GET ME OUT OF HERE! THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! HELP! VIRGINIA! JET! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YAOI WRITER'S, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE SANCTITY OF ALL THINGS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!" He wailed into the twinkling afternoon sky, the moon showing like round thing of cheese.

"Oh, calm down. Who would ever be sick enough to attempt something like that?" Gallows turned sharply and glared at Clive.

"Someone who would be sick enough to create a story that isn't even based on the main characters of the actual thing that the story was based upon! Someone who would one by one kill off innocent creatures in obscene ways! Someone who would give a man a pair of scissors for hands and make him clip peoples shrubberies!"

"Tim Burton?"

"Sure, I don't really know who I was talking about in the first place."


End file.
